Dear Self,

Please Stop Dreaming About Him. Obviously Stetson isn't really in love with you.

-M

My facebook page now reads;

Emily Henson

Auror at the Ministry of Magic.

I finally learned to fishtail. horribly, but fishtail nonetheless.

i have this hair. like ^ that's me...

The other day I had one of the deepest, most honest discussions I've ever had. I said things I've never dared to utter and I listened to things I never dreamt of hearing. I left feeling heavy, but with an enormous amount of weight lifted off my shoulders. (contradictory, i know. sue me.)  So when people ask me how my night was I say "fun", but it's a total lie. I will never look back and say "gee that was fun." It wasn't a laughing matter, though we did laugh on occasion. We smiled but not because we were talking about happy things or playing a game. We smiled because for once we had someone to listen to us. We had each other. 

It's completely possible that I'm being melodramatic. 

-M

I think that secretly all we want to do is fall in love. We can all pretend to be independent and self sufficient, but I think deep, deep down we're all waiting for that one person. They don't have to be perfect or even extremely good looking. I think it would just be nice to know that we're never alone.

Ok, Utah weather. It's time you and I had a little chat. You are not allowed to tease me like this! You give me one perfect weekend and then pour endless rain onto my head? Who does that? I even got slightly tan. A tan which, without regular exposure will surely fade. And then I will be back to my wonderful, ghostly self. Not that I mind.

Dear you,

I want you back. Just the way it used to be. Nothing complicated. Just you, making me smile.

Always,

Me

I am determined to make this summer a good one, maybe even the best one so far. Though I am not entirely confident that I have the ability to do so. Last summer was so incredible. I met most of my best friends. I met a beautiful boy and fell for him quickly. A boy, whom I would've bet you $1,000,000 dollars would never kiss me. (I bet you wish you would've taken that bet). I stayed out late and talked on the phone for hours. I climbed trees and laughed away my belly fat. I think I found myself. I am still discovering Emily Henson everyday, but I won't ever feel as unsure as I used to. Because I found out that I'm actually worth something, and that maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be just as happy as the rest of you.

It's Kind of a Beautiful Thing.

And then it was Summer, and the rest is history.

Cheers Darling

I sometimes feel unworthy to write on this blog. I constantly think of what I want to say, how I want to say it. Then somehow it seems, that someone else thinks it first, or at least they post it first. Then, if posted, my thoughts are merely replicas of others', in different words and with different vocabulary. I don't want to be a clone of someone else's insight. But keeping what I want to scream out inside seems horribly cruel to myself.

So here I am, screaming it anyway.

A lot of the time I go into a panic, wondering if people can read my mind. After thinking something mean, judgmental, or simply embarrassing I look up from my hands- which I am usually staring at- and look at everyone around me. If someone makes eye contact, or turns their head sharply from me, as if they were afraid I would catch them staring, my heart races and I freak out for a minute, before I tell myself that people can't hear my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell myself that, I still panic.

All Parents hold their kids back. Whether they know it or not. Some do it by pushing them too hard, forcing them into something that they don't want to do. Forcing them to practice for hours and hours, when really they'd rather be painting, or maybe writing. Some don't push hard enough, and their children, unmotivated, stay in the same place their entire lives. For me, I hold myself back. But I'm done.

I am giving myself permission:

• To laugh really loud, even if I am alone
  
• To hug a little longer, even if they let go first
• To sing in front of people
• To not wear any make up
• To blog without stressing
• To like the same bands as you
• To like different bands
• To sleep in
• To give myself a break
• To say yes when I want to say yes
• To say no
• To hurt your feelings
• To keep trying
• To fail
• To collapse into your arms
• To be selfish once in a while
• To act on impulses
• To forgive you
• To cry once in a while
• To be bold
• To go swimming in the winter
• To shout my opinion
• To dance, however horribly
• To sit closer
• To not care about what you think
• To be brutally honest
• To let silence be silent
• To be silly, and maybe a little immature
• To never be ashamed
• To turn off the televison
• To go back to sleep so I can dream
• To read for hours and hours
• To highlight things
• To watch lifetime movies and eat ice cream
• To ask questions
• To stop playing games
• To grow old
  
• To go against everyone's advice, and take my own

 

Because I deserve to

That's Why

Cheers to a new me