That's super weird, cause Andrew and I are dating.

I fell into this thing we call the rabbit whole and I'm emerging someone completely new. At first it's subtle, but soon I'm asking Griffin Kerr to a dance and running through the Smith's parking lot dressed as an old man* and pulling down four pairs of giant underwear in public**. But I'm still scared to go to english class and wear high wasted pants, so maybe the old me is still somewhere below the surface. Or I guess it's possible that I just don't really know who "I" am. Is this what they call growing up?

Me: "It's going to be a great day" *stretches arms*

Giant Zit: "HA!"

*I know what you're thinking. "Clever Em, that is so random, how did you think of such a funny thing? You must be making it up, because no one who is allowed outside of a mental institution does that". Truth is folks, totes*** did that.

**And that. yeah....

***totally

Neon isn't a color, it's a state of being.

-M

"Out of Context"

 

"This is my motto."

"I date college boys"

"I died my hair blue"

"And pink"

"I am NOT a lesbian"

"I wear high heels"

"I like rap music"

 "We're dating"

-M

My pillow is warmer on the other side,

And the the grass in the west is dying

But when a blind date

Means closing my eyes

And I realized that true poetry

Is never about the title,

I flipped over the lawn

To see if it was cool

And poured food coloring

All over the down.

I kept the lights on through the night

And eliminated the shadow

Of Peter.

So that I would never

Be reminded of how

The second star to the right

Failed to lead me to Neverland.

Instead I ended up

In a swarm of flies

With nothing but a dishtowel.

The song was never about

Butterflies dying.

It was only there

To mock my every breath,

Tempt me with it's pretenses

And to pretend to smile.

And on December 20

All my little notes that said

"You're Beautiful"

Are flaking off the mirror.

And they fall through

The floor.

Into the molten below.

I, being so desperate

Jumped in after them

But landed on an

Out of tune piano.

And all I heard for

The rest of eternity

Was the oriental music

Of the always black keys.

15760 Words

I declare bankrupcy

 I apologize to all those who I've pretended to understand. This one is for the underdogs. I sort of thought I was one, but it took feeling like one and being treated like one to realize that I am more lucky than I ever thought. It took being laughed at behind my back. It took the boys in my english class making the girl who reads and writes all the time* do all the work.  It took them making me feel useless and my feelings insignificant. It took my voice shaking when I finally got up the nerve to talk to him. It took all that for me to realize that I have never felt bullied before. Before today.

But I'm lucky. I'm lucky because as soon as I moved on and saw my real friends, I remembered that I still think I'm worth something. So I'm sorry. I'm so sorry to anyone who has ever had to feel the way I felt today. I'm sorry to anyone who I've made feel even the least bit nonessential.

Every breath you breathe is essential.

*me

I was afraid of falling off the earth. 

Back when it was flat 

I couldn't even swim in the ocean.

Or take a deep breath. 

When the sun was going to explode,

I was afraid to step out of the shade.

And I never looked at

How blue the sky could be.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Emily."

Green Day, It's almost time to wake up.

It's September. It's September and I'm starting to forget August. I'm starting to doubt who I thought I was, and I'm starting to notice every flaw in my skin. It's only September, and it feels as if I'm sinking deep into October, hoping and wishing to be pulled to the surface, to breathe air. It's September and I'm already losing the friends I thought for a second could actually tolerate me. The ideals I had are being crushed and the sins around me and collapsing in September.

It's September and winter is already spilling out my every pore. I want to wear thick sweaters and cuddle. It's September, and all I want is to feel loved like I once used to. I'm clinging on to Summer and the hope it had. I'm scratching my nails as reality pulls me into fall. I'm blogging dramatically and sleeping in on school days. And it's only September.

It's September, and I'm embarrassing myself. My cheeks are turning crimson and I'm losing the resiliency I taught myself to have. All I can see is the thumbnail. A thumbnail of a lonely September. It's September and I want to buy the book store and still a part of me wants to burn all the books that could make me feel the way I do. It's September.

It's September, and part of me wishes I could sleep through it. I want to laugh and cry, but at the same time I want to crawl into a chrysalis and emerge when I'm ready to face the world. It's September and I wish I could make you happy. I wish I was the one who put a smile on your face and the one you kissed on the forehead. It's September, and I don't even know who you are.

"If he is not the word of God God never spoke"

-M

9.11.

Black feather fall,
Cold and painful.
Drift to the ground.

Some try to catch it,
To save it from infamy,
But it never fails
To slip through their fingers.

When it hits the ground,
Reality comes in screams,
In rag dolls,
And in last goodbyes.

Clocks shatter,
But time never stops.
People drift from
The fallen, black, dark feather.
There is no undo, no redo, no must do.

It haunts those,
Who with eerie eyes,
Watched the feather fall from power.
It haunts those who didn't.
Who closed their televisions
And turned off their windows.

And when eyelids surrender,
The black feather flutters
In between memories
And fleeting thoughts,
Constant reminder of hate.

The feather may be black,
And fallen to the rubble,
But the hope it once had 
As it drifted away,
Continues the red,
Continues the white,
Continues the blue.

Burn the Sun

Because you left me
With an arm cut off
And a leg in it's place,

When I reached for the
Solar system I
Only felt cold air.

And the stars laughed at me,
Because I wasn't on
Anyone's shoulders
And soon I was sinking.

Jumping for the atmosphere
My fingers burned the sun
And left me falling.

For the moment
Before I hit the sky scraper
I wondered if you would catch me
Or even lift a fingernail.

But my dress rippled
Against the sadness
Pulling me towards gravity.

There's a hole in 5th avenue
Where my body used to lie.
Where for a second I gasped

Before falling deeply
In love with the crust of the earth.
Because it was all that kept me from melting.

And then there were none

eccentricity[ek-suhn-tris-i-tee, ek-sen-]-

1.an oddity or peculiarity, as of conduct: an interesting man, known for his eccentricities.

2.the quality of being eccentric.

3.the amount by which something is eccentric.

I'm losing followers by the second. They're dropping like flies. One by one. And then there were 17...and any other cliches you can think of.

Am I really that annoying? Not that it surprises me, really. But in order to raise my self esteem i've tried my hardest to come up with logical reasons that people stopped liking my blog. It could be that their google accounts were deleted ( not really. who would delete a google account??) They could be jealous of my extreme charm and lack of awkwardness ( i kid) or they may just not relate to me/ know who I am at all.

Hence the following:

Hi, my name is Emily. 

I brush my teeth 4-6 times per day. So if you see me at school with a toothbrush in my mouth, stay calm and try not to be too alarmed. If I could walk around brushing my teeth all the time, I probably would. The only probably I foresee is that it will look like i'm foaming at the mouth. Call me rabies girl.

I write a lot. It's probably unhealthy. You know that weird girl who sits in the back and is constantly writing furiously in her " revel in the chaos" notebook? that would be yours truly.

I have quite a few best friends. But secretly, only one. Rachel Brough, this one is for you. Thanks for letting me be as creepy/weird/crazy/scary/loud/annoying/self-pitying as I want. It's pretty rare, it think, what we have. ( wow, it sounds like we're dating. that would explain all the lesbian jokes)

I'm unforgettable, fine, fresh, fierce, etc. ( Yes, I did just reference Katy Perry) I may have gone to high school in Utah, but I will always tell you I'm from California. It's home. It's me.

I try to love my little siblings unconditionally, and as you mothers out there know, it shocks me how much I learned about love from them. Our perception of love is so screwed up. It isn't about you. It's always about them, seeing them smile and stopping them from crying. Eth and Bella, I love you more than you can ever know.
 

I don't do my hair. Ever. Unless you consider throwing it into a sloppy mess on top of my head "doing", I guess. It's frizzy and messy and teal on the ends.

you: "Hey, emily do you care?"

me: "No! In fact, I do not. Thank you for asking."

I'm trying my best. I screw up 99% of the time, but I'm still doing all I can to make the world a little bit better. I try to look you in the eye and be as honest as possible. I try to smile at you when I see you because I'm genuinely happy to have you in my life, not just because that's the polite thing to do.  I'm just a girl lost in this world, trying to be happy.

Thanks for following.

-M

 

Not only cute boys, cute boys with cats