Three pointing back at me

I keep feeling that I'm to blame. It's my fault, all of it. It's my fault I didn't have time to dry my clothes in time for the basketball game, they were only a little damp. Of course it's my fault I can't sing or curl my tongue. It's my fault that I kissed someone I definitely shouldn't have. And I'm still trying to figure out who to shift the blame on to. Parents are the obvious choice, but my mom is too fragile, my father too defensive. It looks like it's all on me, folks. 

You're free to leave. You're free to laugh at me instead of with me. And you're definitely free to tell me it's all my fault.

But no matter what you do, I'll reply with a simple "I'm sorry," and move on. Do I really have another choice? Even if I did, and I chose it, that would be my fault too.

So I'm just trying to stay safe. I threw on my chain mail, and took off my shoes because with them on  I couldn't feel where I was walking. And now I'm silently tiptoeing down the path of my mistakes into battle, squinting my eyes and praying no one notices me, and that it is all my fault.

But I stop, and my eyes refuse to blink. Because I'm staring at all the beautiful people floating past. I close my eyes again because if they notice my faults, it'll be the end of me, I swear. This is their territory, not mine. 

This is war. There's no room for lipstick, or even for the ACT. This is purely about survival, and I don't bother signing up for a gym membership because I'll never be the fittest.

I think it would be easier to give up. Am I right? I could use phrases like "zip me up" or even "unzip me"I could kiss boys just because it's their birthday.I could lie and cheat and win. Maybe I could change into one of those 20 double takes on average, wears sundresses, magnetic kind of girls. I could even hide things from my parents.

I could, but let's be real; I think I'll read about it in books instead.

I'm afraid of personality quizzes, because they seem more powerful than Zues. And the Zodiac Signs have me in handcuffs, telling me I have no control of who I am or who I love. Please, I am begging you, let me choose. Let me choose who to put everything on the line for, and who to see when I close my eyes. Let me choose, and I swear I'll take the credit. I know it's all my fault.

-M