Oh, Satire, My One True Love

We had to write a paper on Bowling etiquette and everyone was all, "WAHHH" and inside I was shouting for joy. I busted this baby out like an overdue preggo.

They are just so happy to be bowling together.

Enjoy.

The Art of Bowling

By Emily Henson

            Bowling is a very serious subject. Failure to follow bowling rules may result in serious injury, death, and ejection from Jack and Jill’s. Can you imagine a bowling ball flying towards your head, ready to dent your skull forever all because someone didn’t read this paper? We don’t want that, now do w? So read on, my friend, read on.

Step One: It’s all about the kicks

Bowling without proper shoes is just plain irresponsible, folks. DON”T DO IT. If you can’t afford your own pair of custom professionally-made bowling shoes, rent some from the bowling alley! They are there for a reason. And, as an added bonus, bowling shoes make dance moves, like the moon walk, a lot easier.

Step Two: Because Nice Matters

I know, I know. Trust me, I know. Missing that strike you’ve been waiting for can be the most frustrating thing in the entire universe. Don’t even get me started on the miraculously-wobbly-one-pin-left-standing scenario. But those folks from the retirement home in the lane next to you do not want to hear your profanities. So say things like, “Dag nabbit!” and “Shucks.”

Step Three:  It is inappropriate to grab others’ balls. (Get your mind out of the gutter)

Forget “Sharing is Caring.” Not when it comes to bowling it isn’t! Bowling balls, people, are not to be messed with. Once someone takes that germ infested sphere off the shelf, that ball is theirs for the day. So when you take someone else’s ball from a shared dispenser, whether by purpose or accident, it is serious business. Fights erupt. Hair is pulled. Bowling balls and pins start flying. Be cautious, kids.

Step Four: To the Right (Take it back now, y’all. One hop this time…)

That awkward moment when two people go to bowl at the same time and don’t know who should go first so they end up both going and whacking each other in the face, is something we all want to avoid. So when in doubt, the person to the right gets the privilege of going first. Say nice things like “After you, lassie” or “Oh please, I insist”. If you are interested romantically in the person next to you, resort to “You go first” “No you go first” “No! You go!” etc.

Step Five: Even if those boots (bowling shoes) are made for walking, they better not walk all over someone else’s lane.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE (unless a small child is about to get hit with a bowling ball and you have the ability to dive in front of them yelling “NOOOOOOO” and save them) GO IN OR IN FRONT OF SOMEONE ELSE’S LANE. It will end up like one of those horrible movie scenes where the main character is about to get hit by a car and they just stand there thinking “Oh shiz that’s a semi truck coming right for me,” and everyone in the audience is like, YOU IDIOT. (Replace main character with bowler and semi truck with bowling ball).

 The end.