Nightmares

I'm afraid of my dreams.

I'm not talking about my reoccurring night terror where I'm kidnapped from the creepy guy who says"this is a dead zone" in the AT&T* commercials in the local Wal Mart and no matter how much I cry out to Stetson Richey's mom she never saves me. Though I'm scared of that too, that's an entirely different blog post about my problems.

I'm afraid of my dreams.

I'm afraid of my "dream big", "reach for the stars", "you can do it" type dreams. Not because I dream of being a soldier or a serial killer or a dairy farmer (which would all scare me), but just because I have them. I have dreams of traveling the world and making a difference. I dream of changing lives and having my life changed for me. I dream of falling in love like that hat can't-eat, can't- sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff**.

I'm afraid of my dreams.

Because what if I don't achieve them? What will I have then? I will tell you. I will have my pathetic hopes and unrealistic rationalizations. I'll probably have a condo and a husband who doesn't talk to me and a job at the local Pick N, Save***. I'll have regrets and disappointments. I'll be stuck, sitting around and fiddling with my potential.

I'm afraid of my dreams.

But I will never stop having them. Because at the moment, they're all I've got. And when everyone has deserted me and there is a knife in my back, I will have my dreams. You can't steal them out from under me, or make them yours. I will always be good enough for my dreams. They are the one thing that you can't possibly take from me. I know, it must kill you.

I'm afraid of my dreams.

-M

*Dear AT&T, you're the worst. Fix my phone. Thanks.

**Wish I could take credit for that quote. It Takes Two has been good to me.

***Why the heck did they change it to Big Lots? What does that even mean....