Bewilderness

You confuse me. I'm supposed to love you. My heals should be above my head, because you make me smile and make me laugh and stutter. You make me nervous, and I'm supposed to love you. But I can't. I simply can't. And I can come up with reasons like how you're too immature, or you'd be a horrible partner, but that shouldn't stop me from loving you. I'm the reason I don't love you. And that's all there is to it. 

You confuse me.  I look into your eyes and I swear. I swear that if it's possible to be possessed by the devil, then there's an angel in your soul. There's a saint inside of you, and I swear it quiets the demon inside of me . And you're too good for me. You're brilliant and kind. And I can't quite comprehend how I deserve you. Maybe I don't.

You confuse me. You are me and I am you. And we lay on the bathroom floor together, because there's birds, and old men, and Ku Klux Klan members painted in the stucco. And they're all looking right at you. Those men who painted the ceiling must have known. They must have known that we'd curl up in the fetal position, with nothing to do but fantasize about fictional characters with upside down lives.

You confuse me. I'm supposed to be a moody teenager, right? and I know that if your read this blog I probably sound like one, but I'm really not. I'm generally happy. But sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to hate my life, and my mom, and school. And I'm supposed to use the phrases "You're ruining my life!" and "Get out of my room!" on a frequent basis. But no one is ruining my life, and if you'd like to visit my room, you're welcome. 

You confuse me. You kiss boys who aren't too good looking. You love me more, but you seem to have forgotten.

You confuse me. We've taken completely different paths since that day last February, and yet there is no one in the entire world who makes me feel the way you do. Romance has nothing to do with us. It has nothing to do with how late we stay up on the phone and the way we can be completely honest with each other. It has nothing to do with the person I am with you versus who I am when you're gone, though I'm still not sure which one is me. What we have? It's love without the romance.

Sorry if it confuses you.

The Cure to Laziness

  Let’s be real here. Whether you call it “Senioritus” or tell everyone that you are “just tired because you were up all night taking care of your sick grandmother”, the truth is much simpler: you’re lazy. But never fear, ladies and gents. There is a cure. There is hope. There is a chance for you. With our clinically proven formula, you’ll be off your bum and into the world of productivity in no time.
Supplies:
1 Planner ( Write down every assignment. Make sure to put an empty square next to each item. You’ll be surprised how fun it is to check those boxes)
1 Decent Sized Backpack ( Not one of those baby ones that barely fits a pencil that girls carry around to look cute and feminine.)
5 oz. Motivation (WARNING: Do NOT Default to wanting to meet your parents expectations. You have to want it for yourself, not because you don’t want to receive that wow-you-horrible-daughter-is-that-a-minus-next-to-your-A-grade look.)
1 tsp Sugar (to make the medicine go down)
6 grahams (for s’mores)
6 grams Determination ( Don’t give up on your chronic laziness. Never feel discouraged. We all have it; at least you are trying to turn your life around. Say lots of motivational things to yourself such as “yes you can” and “I believe in myself” and “Oh my gosh, I am worth it!”
2 (or more) Good Friends (Let them know that you are trying to change your life, and encourage them to change with you.)

1 Pair of Magic Jeans (Sisterhood of the Traveling pants style for moral boosting.)

Rewards- As Many As Desired ( Reward yourself when you meet your goals. Take yourself out for cotton candy ice cream or throw yourself an anti-laziness party. Because you’re worth it.)

   Mix in an Olympic sized swimming pool for best effect. In all seriousness, if you want to cure your chronic laziness, start today.  Order in the next 15 minutes and we’ll include a free bump it or Snuggie with your purchase.

CAUTION: Side effects may include productiveness, respect for yourself, heart attack, stroke, and death.

My Life Will Go As Follows

Go on Goodreads

Read

Watch Movies

Eat

Make Pumpkin Pie Shakes

Go To School

Make Friends Transfer Into My Classes

Listen to Music Really Loud

Go on Goodreads

Miss california

Read some more

Write

Eat some more

Cry while watching Parenthood

Tickle My Little Siblings

Try and Control My Hair

Taco Tuesday

In Bed By 11

Up By 7

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

And I am loving every second of it.

Timing is Everything

Sometimes having faith means believing in what God thinks is right as well as when He thinks it's right.

And I'm trying to remember that, I swear I am.
But right now I need something, anything. At least I think I do.
I need to feel pretty.
I need to feel loved.
I need to feel worth something.

So I ran.
I ran to a hill in the middle of a field and I documented it. Because that's sort of all I know how to do.
"I'm sitting on this pile of dirt, and if it was a cliff I think I would jump.
Because this pile of problems in enveloping me and there is no way out.

But one day I'll be happy. I have to be, right?
I can't spend my life on this hill, with frostbitten fingers, waiting for the things I've always been promised by pop songs and Disney channel original movies.

I want to call my mom. I want to cry in her arms, but I'm too busy holding in her tears

And I want to scream, but I'm all alone out here in this field, and I plan to stay that way. Because if I scream the murderer will pop out of the shower curtain and the police will start to question my intentions

There is no such thing as trust anymore, because everyone backstabs everyone. And all the backstabbers pull out their knives but that doesn't heal the wound.
And we try and say it wasn't us, but our fingertips are on the blade, darling.

I'm sitting on a pile of dirt.
I wish it ended in the ocean."