We'll regret the things we didn't do more than the stupid things we did

So many people tell me what I am, what I could be, and what I should do. So many people tell me to fall in love, get married, and have 11 babies before the age of 23. So many people telling me I'll go on a mission. Telling me we'll get back together. Telling me he's a jerk. Telling me I should try out. Telling me what music to listen to. Telling me what what I can do, what I can't do. So many people talking, my voice is getting drowned out by the crowd.

So if you were wondering.

Here's what I want.

• I want to laugh hard every day.
• I want to travel the world
• I want to fall in love
• I want to be patient
• I want to smile 99% of the time
• I want to look back and be proud of what I've done in life
• I want to write it all down
• I want to turn my flaws into my best characteristics
• I want to forget about everyone who leaves me
• I want to see the world like a newborn does
• I want to break the rules
• I want to scream and have everyone hear me
• I want to dance and not doubt myself
• I want to perform
• I want to live my life like a novel
• I want to change people
• I want to never pretend the world is something it isn't
• I want to wake up every morning grinning
• I want to feel beautiful
• I want to know I'm worth it
• I want to let go
• I want to go crazy
• I want to be liked for myself, not in spite of myself
• I want to grow old with you
• I want to act like I'm young
• I want to play pretend
• I want to imagine the impossible
• I want to know I tried my absolute hardest.
• I want to do it my way

And that's all I need to succeed. So next time someone asks me what I want to do with my life, I'm going to tell them that I don't know what I'll be or who I'll be with, but I do know that I will always live freely. I will always smile when I feel like frowning, and I will always love with no hesitation. I'll die knowing that I was all I could be in life, and that's completely fine with me.

If i ever end up even close to the women on the bachelor please shoot me. thanks.

Last night after hours math homework ( which wasn't a waste of time or anything since I know for a FACT that every day when i grow up, people will be asking me what the cosine of a right triangle looks like on a graph and if i don't know...well that will just be plain embarrassing...) I sat down on the couch and casually flipped through the channels. I ended up watching the bachelor. and laughing. really hard.

mostly because how pathetically sad those women are.

they are all convinced that they love this "bachelor" and that they belong with him. Not like he's dating 10 other women or anything....and kissing them....and by the end sleeping with at least 3....yet they look at the camera and talk like all they want is this man, and to love him forever, meanwhile he's with another girl in a bikini on the beaches of Costa Rica.

when i find love, or love finds me, I'm going to know it's real.

an i promise never to live the lie, and tell myself that he loves me, when i know he doesn't. especially if he's sleeping with two other women, you know.

i'm still torn

between wanting to grow old with you

and wanting to stay young,

but it isn't really my choice.

so will you love me forever?

and will we sip tea on the porch 

and talk about the good old days?

call me darling and hold my hand. 

smile at me and tell me i'm beautiful. 

laugh your old man laugh

i'll smile my wrinkly smile.

who cares if we were influential in the world? 

who cares how much money we made?

as long as you're next to me, love,

i know we will succeed.

Sometimes I think

Everyone has a reason for the dark circles under their eyes. A story behind every tear they may cry.

 Somebody hold me while I mourn for my lost childhood, i'm torn between wanting to grow old  with you and wanting to stay young. You're the reason that I breathe, if you promise to stay with me, I promise I won't leave those tears in your eyes, I'll be your shoulder as you cry. One day you'll leave me all alone, when my childhood is gone. I'll wait for you to come back, though I know you'll never come. But maybe we'll stay together, Maybe our love will be forever. We can stand the tests of time, hand in hand we'll slowly climb. Because who will read the stories of your dark circles, who will know the reason behind your tears. I will, if we but last the years. Darling for now we'll wish away the fear.

 ready, set, fall in love

Cheers Darling

I sometimes feel unworthy to write on this blog. I constantly think of what I want to say, how I want to say it. Then somehow it seems, that someone else thinks it first, or at least they post it first. Then, if posted, my thoughts are merely replicas of others', in different words and with different vocabulary. I don't want to be a clone of someone else's insight. But keeping what I want to scream out inside seems horribly cruel to myself.

So here I am, screaming it anyway.

A lot of the time I go into a panic, wondering if people can read my mind. After thinking something mean, judgmental, or simply embarrassing I look up from my hands- which I am usually staring at- and look at everyone around me. If someone makes eye contact, or turns their head sharply from me, as if they were afraid I would catch them staring, my heart races and I freak out for a minute, before I tell myself that people can't hear my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell myself that, I still panic.

All Parents hold their kids back. Whether they know it or not. Some do it by pushing them too hard, forcing them into something that they don't want to do. Forcing them to practice for hours and hours, when really they'd rather be painting, or maybe writing. Some don't push hard enough, and their children, unmotivated, stay in the same place their entire lives. For me, I hold myself back. But I'm done.

I am giving myself permission:

• To laugh really loud, even if I am alone
  
• To hug a little longer, even if they let go first
• To sing in front of people
• To not wear any make up
• To blog without stressing
• To like the same bands as you
• To like different bands
• To sleep in
• To give myself a break
• To say yes when I want to say yes
• To say no
• To hurt your feelings
• To keep trying
• To fail
• To collapse into your arms
• To be selfish once in a while
• To act on impulses
• To forgive you
• To cry once in a while
• To be bold
• To go swimming in the winter
• To shout my opinion
• To dance, however horribly
• To sit closer
• To not care about what you think
• To be brutally honest
• To let silence be silent
• To be silly, and maybe a little immature
• To never be ashamed
• To turn off the televison
• To go back to sleep so I can dream
• To read for hours and hours
• To highlight things
• To watch lifetime movies and eat ice cream
• To ask questions
• To stop playing games
• To grow old
  
• To go against everyone's advice, and take my own

 

Because I deserve to

That's Why

Cheers to a new me