Mother Daughter

Waking up and remembering that all your clothes are packed away and all you have left is a men's sweatshirt and jeggings may sound like a nightmare to those girls who must have perfect, matching, accessories to every outfit in their crowded closet. But to me: i actually felt like myself today. Just simple and comfortable.

Today is moving day, so I should probably be last minute packing, and organizing for the movers...but i think I'll blog instead.

Parenthood. It scares me to death. Luckily, I have the best example I could ask for, and plenty of experience with my cute/devilish little siblings. Yesterday instead of getting stressed and stern with all the chaos thats going on around, my mom chose to laugh and joke, even when I kept doing my annoying "voices" that I do when i get tired and/or hyperactive. I kept shouting "ROCK ON" in this loud and nasally valley girl voice. she (said she) hated it, but couldn't stop laughing. I have a feeling she secretly loves it. When I told her my suspicions she said, 


"no, I just love you".

BME award goes to: Julie Henson.
(best.mom.ever.)

Waste of a Break

I know, I've said this before. 

But smoking is DISGUSTING. And its tragic. And it kills people. 

The media tells you its cool and calming. It's not a big deal. Beautiful people smoke all the time, it may even make you beautiful. False. 

We were driving in the freezing cold on the freeway on black Friday on our way to urban outfitters and out the window I saw a man with his window rolled down, smoking. If something has taken over your life to the point that you will lose all body warmth to fulfill a craving, you must know that your self respect has seriously dropped. It's not worth losing your life, your good smell, and your disgusted friends just to smoke and "look cool" get over yourself.

This break has sort of sucked. big time. oh well, carry on life, carry on.

Learning to fall, get back up, and fall again

I'm going to write this post without fancy words and confusing vocabulary. No clever humor. it's about to get honest up in here, so watch out. No deleting things, just what i type, how i randomly type it.

Life is freaking hard. I know, you know. But it's so annoying to me that sometimes I just can't get it. I realize that there is something that i need to do, i do it, and then i forget about it. I fall unnexpectedely, climb the mountain, and then close my eyes and jump off the edge.
I know what is important in my life, deep down. But sometimes I bury it so deep that it becomes obscure, and i lose sight of who i am. It isn't that drastic this time, but lately i just feel like my everyday life has changed focus. I don't think its necessarily a bad focus...just unfamiliarity that has become shockingly familiar. I blame summer, the BEST of my life. It really forced me to discover who I am. But i think i almost forgot what I stand for. No longer. This is my declaration: I will stand for what i know i should be standing for on this mountaintop, I will not fall again.

yet...i still doubt myself.

Maybe, if you stood with me.

Childrens Poems and Fake Blizzards

I decided to delete my last post, mainly because it made no sense, even to the creator ( yours truly)

WARNING: BLIZZARD LAST NIGHT. LIKE NOTHING UTAH HAS EVER SEEN

oh really? quite a blizzard, yes.

Luckily the power did go out, so Rachel and I could creep around at the early hours of the morning drinking chocolate prepared hot and sitting cross legged. Which was lovely. We made creepy videos and talked and laughed, like usual. Then we took turns reading Shel Silverstein poems in creepy/unusual accents.

most of them were clever and witty, but this one, read by me, took a dark and sad turn when i read the last line. we stopped laughing at it immediately.

“I met a ghost but he didn’t want my head,

He only wanted to know the way to denver.

I met the devil but he didn’t want my soul,

He only wanted to borrow my bike awhile.

I met a vampire but he didn’t want my blood,

He only wanted 2 nickels for a dime.

I keep meeting all the right people-

At all the wrong times.”

when i read it i was picturing a little child, and then, at the end, it sounds like he wants to lose his head, and his soul. He wants the vampire to drink his blood. is he suicidal, or yearning for adventure? who knew that Shel Silverstein was so...disturbing?

I'm now going to spend the rest of the day waiting for people to come out of their houses so i can photograph them.

Dear Girls, you aren't good enough. hide behind make up and fahion. Lust, The World

 

To all the girls out there. you are beautiful.

If isn't the makeup or hairstyle that makes you look good.

It's knowing who you are and having the confidence to be that person.

be you.

be beautiful.

brokenspace

Todaywefoundoutthatitisindeedpossibletobeliftedintotheairbyagroupofheliumballoons.

myspacebarisbroken.

if i WHACK it really hard then it works but it is super annoying to do so soiwilljustwritelikethus.

or

like

this

so

you

can

read.

or maybe nothing at all.

Unknown and untitled

blog. blog. blog.

blah blah blah

why do you even care what I have to say?

I'm glad that you do, don't get me wrong. 

I just wonder why...

Is it because I'm wittingly clever? Is it because you like what I have to say? It is because  you have too much time your hands? probably a combination of multiple reasons. but thanks. i like to know you read these words.

Yesterday was a good day, and I realized what fantastic friends I have. Mainly I saw what good guy friends I have. They're the kind that help me move. They're the ones I can talk on the phone to for hours. They're the ones that I could trust to hold me when I cry, if it ever came to that, though it probably won't. I have fantastic men in my life;) I won't name names, but their are a couple of you, that I look at you and how you treat people and (however creepy this may sound) i see that you hold so many of the traits that I wrote down on the list they made me write 1000 times in church titled " What i want in a husband"

wow. that indeed sounds creepy.

i love music

and lyrics

especially the lyrics

Special Shoutout:

Ben.

i am so glad that you creeped around facebook and found me. you're so...real and mature. and i'm so glad i can be myself around you. yesterday you kept asking me what i wanted to do, which most people wouldn't have done, and i dont know why, but that meant a lot. 

Isn't this post just so cheesy and adorable?!

i know.

Peculiar

 

This picture is from National Geographic. my dream job is to write and photograph for them, one day.

I will be the one taking this picture. I promise you.

I like oDd things. Odd people especially. And odd things that relatively normal people do.

Ever notice how soemtimes, when talking to someone, you constistantly hing five or somehow make ohysical contact repeatedly. like tapping their shoulder or slapping their hands. I noticed myself doing it a  couple of days ago, and now have noticed just how much I participate in this weird activity. And how no one notices or says anything really....maybe I just like physical contact, eh?

The girl who site next to me in math will randomly start humming, louder thank she thinks, and she isn't exactly.....on pitch? I secretly love her for it.

Also in math, we always say " you are so goodlooking," instead of the classic "bless you" everytime someone sneezes.

People who use cool words and phrases make me want to be their friend. go vocabulary.

If you love reading, then i love you. thats all. reading is simply delightful. i feel like falling into a good book means becoming someone you're not, and feeling things you never felt. i don't care if it's just a fantasy. fiction is the base of all reality.

Be OdD

It's black and it's white

I've been called twice to do my road test, and each time I don't call him back, because I am so freaking scared. I feel comfortable driving, I'm just so scared to mess up and fail.

Dear People who tell WAY too much about their personal lives in church meetings,

It just makes us feel awkward. Please stop.

Sincerely, 

Didn't need to hear that

Dear Harry Potter 7 the movie,

NUDITY?!?!? REALLY??! go ahead, ruin the one clean movie I was planning on seeing this year.

Sincerely,

Disapointed

Dear Random Text Messages telling me you care,

How did you know I needed that?

Sincerely,

You must have ESPN or something

Dear You,

Thanks for reading this pathetically personal and eccentric blog.

Love,

M

Dear Piano

Here, let me tell you my life story in notes an rests.

Sincerely, 

Musically Challenged,  and loving it.

Don't Smoke: You may think you look cool or above it all, but really, it just proves your stupidity.

take that rachel

Photos that somehow speak to the soul

 Taped on pages of F451, one of the best books every written.

 I miss the simplicity of a good story.

Optomism, Hollywood, and Lies

What are words more than borrowed air, turned into emotion? If that is so, than we as people have no right to take the air from the universe and breathe it out as hurtful sentences and phrases.

What would you say if what you breathed out, others breathed in, and had to say as well? A positive output is a positive input to a stranger, or even an acquaintance. What if one positive  feeling breathed in, cleared your head of every pessimistic thought and left only good things to say. What would you put out, only to breathe back in.
Rudeness, Judgments, and Negativity breed off each other and off themselves. One person's ignorantly cruel comment creates a situation that can have 1 of two outcomes
1. The people around that commentator breathe it in, and out comes more and more rude and mean remarks.
2. Those people choose to stand for something, and turn the scenario from a negative, awkward standstill into a positive situation by choosing to breathe out optimistic thoughts.

 Its our choice. Choose happiness.

If we're completely honest with ourselves....Alli and Noah would have never gotten back together. Cinderella would have been left scrubbing floors for the rest of her life, and Edward would have killed Bella on the spot.
But if we were all taught that from the beginning, no one would have dared to dream. And without those dreamers...well, we'd most likely still be cavemen.
So dream big, fall desperately in love, and live happily ever after.

The Metaphor of Toothpaste

My parents have always used Aquafresh. I can remember from being a little girl using their toothpaste, and it always tasted the same. The same amount of mintiness and flavor. Always Aquafresh. Recently my mom has discovered the joy of Crest. Thanks to me. She ran out of the usual Aquafresh and had to borrow my Crest ( with Scope of course). Just like drugs, it only takes one taste to become hooked. I tell you this seemingly pointless story for so  you can have some understanding of the following statement:

I hope I never stop trying new toothpastes.


I hope I never wake up to find that I'm repeating my day exactly as it was the day before. I hope I don't look back and realize that I have been using the same stupid toothpaste for the past ten years. I don't want to be content with my life the way it is, because it can always get better. Don't get me wrong, consistancy can be a beautiful thing. Routine isn't a negative thing. I can't wait to hold annual parties or have traditions with my hunk of a husband. But, its all about balance. The thrill of trying new things mixes beautifully with the comfort of sameness. same.  Something scares the heck out of me thinking that I will always smell the same, or always go on vacation to the same place and no where else. I can't live the same life over and over again; that wouldn't be a life at all.


Go Try a New Toothpaste/Shampoo/ Deodorant. 



It began to snow today during our church lesson on optimism. One of the girls was like, "Oh its snowing" and we all sighed and groaned. Oh the irony. We are SO optimistic. But honestly, I'm semi-excited. Bring on the hot chocoalate, the snowball fights, and the sledding. I've finally accepted that it will indeed, snow every year. BLEH. go enjoy the snow when it sticks. It's awfully lovely to take pictures in. For example:

 

What 24 hours of babysitting does to a soul

I forgot how much I love the following, and I am determined to bring them back in my life, because I remember now, that these are what made me happy. what still do.
and i usually hate lists that are completely pointless, so i will not cry myself to sleep tonight if you stop reading this list on principal. i would.

-Reading a good book for hours and hours.

- Tickling my little siblings

- making them laugh by making myself look silly, and my little bella saying " you wook siwwy enallee."

- kisses

- editing pictures on photoshop....stupid computer broke. can no longer. i miss it.

- taking bubble baths

- knowing one of your best friends added you creepily on facebook because they thought you looked genuine. 

- touching peoples backpacks/hair

-playing twister, candyland, and connect four for hours and hours with my little siblings just because it makes them, and me, happy

- blogging 

- writing for a decent newspaper.

- seeing the look on my moms face when she comes home from work and sees that the house is clean. she deserves to be the happiest woman on the earth.

- getting late night phone calls, and talking for  hours about nothing at all.

- thinking back to how you met someone, and wondering how that ever worked out. but it did.

- singing mary had a little lamb, twinkle twinkle, and Jesus wants me for a sunbeam with Bella, and then to my surprise, Airplanes. who wouldn't practically cry because of how  cute she is wheh she starts singing, " can we pwetend that aiwpwanes in da night sky awr like shooting staws?"?

- waking up and making a delicous breakfast

- singing to the radio

- laughing while on the phone, and not hearing the other person do anything but laugh as well.

- inside jokes. muahaha

-good music

- finding out someone you know like the same odd music as you

- becoming friends with that person you've always wanted to be friends with

- dancing

- laughing

- looking back and realizing my wishes came true.

- I miss family home evening, i want to start.

- sharing secrets.

- my friends, who are beloved, and who i am so freaking happy to have i can't even tell you. love you guys.

Brutally Honest

I find myself sinking.
After the hardest year of my life, I stopped crying.
I started blocking that emotion.
It's been months and months.

I've cried 3 times this week.

I'm not depressed, and I love my life. I have more than I could ask for.  But the world is just so sad. Everything I hear is has a tragic element. Every song I listen to seems to cry out to the world for help. I want people to tell me their stories, i want them to be able to trust me with their sanity in my arms. Unbearable is the emptiness that comes with wanting to help someone desperately, but failing to realize how. I just want to scream at them; stop. please. you're worth more. I am so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there. Maybe i couldn't have done anything, but i am still sorry. because people are people. love is love. and sadness, no matter how trivial it may seem to an outsider, is sadness. period.

I want my summer back. I was the happiest I have been since playing mermaids on the waterfall in California when I was little. Remember wanting to be a mermaid? I miss my mermaid self. Summer. Love. What happened to us? what happened to the tree climbing, the late nights, the secret phone calls? What happened was stress, life, school. separation tore us apart, not our faults. Still, I sat down in my shower last night for 1/2 an hour, hugging myself and wondering where i've gone, and how I lost my smile. where have you gone emily? who took you away?
I want to laugh so hard that I can't breathe.
I want you to be happy again.
I want to feel pretty again.
I want someone to take my hand, kiss it, and start to dance with me.
Just because.

At least I know who I am. I know what I stand for, and I know I have so much to give.
Today is the day
I start living to make you happy,
And maybe they're telling the truth,
Maybe I can change the world.