Ya'at'eeh keshmish

I'm taking this opportunity to post because our computer is broken, so any internet access draws me in like a magnet.

I'm now sixteen and have my liscense. I love this FREEDOM. that's all i have to say about that..

It's Christmas tomorrow.

This has been one of worst Christmas's of my life, but somehow it's been the best by far. I spent the 19-21 on the Navajo reservation in Arizona, serving the people there. I can't even begin to tell you how much it changed me. All I want to do since returning has been, serve, sing, and dance. The people down there are so humble, and so so grateful. 

People in our country, one state away, are living in severe poverty. Huts (hogans) with dirt floors, some without coats and gloves. The look their faces and the tears that filled their eyes as we gave them simple things changes you in the blink of an eye. 

For three days I didn't care what my hair looked like, I didn't feel self conscious because I had no make up on. i just wanted to make a difference in the lives of the people who made all the difference in mine.

What would He do? How would the one who we celebrate always, have you do during this Christmas season?

I find myslef annoyed with laziness and selfishness. AFter seeing so much need, and seeing the rewards of 3 days of hard work, how can I jsut sit donw and aimlessly watch TV? I can't.

If you had only 1 day to live, how would you live it? Who would you live it with? What would you do?

Would you tell them you love them,

Would you kiss her/him

Would you smile

Would you cry

Would you serve

Would you surround yourslef with those you love

Would you watch TV?

What if you had an entire lifetime?

Shouldn't you live the same way, and just be grateful it can last longer?

So go serve someone today, smile with Christmas cheer, and wish them a Ya'at'eeh Keshmish. Kiss her, tell him you love him, and be bold. This is our chance.

Oh Holy night

it's all one story.

This Is Lilly

Lilly walks out of her house, like any other day, but she has no idea.

A taxi driver is getting coffee in Starbucks when a man who was late for a meeting, because his wife had been in a bad mood due to a cold she had gotten from her sister, ran into his shoulder, and his coffee went all over the floor. After ordering a new coffee and waiting for it he gets in his cab and picks up a man coming out of the post office because he forgot to mail an important bill that needed to be there the next day or else a $75 fee would apply.The man tells the taxi driver to take him home, and asks him to hurry because his five year old slipped on the ice and broke his leg.

They drive down the busy street and the driver turns down a small road. The road his ex girlfriend showed him as a shortcut to get downtown. The man looks out the window to see a small girl, sitting alone on the curb. He asks the driver to stop. The driver, listening to the news on the radio especially loud because of an intriguing murder that happened the night before, doesn't hear him. The man asks him again, tapping his shoulder this time. The driver stops and the man gets out to help the little girl, (who it turns out fell and twisted her ankle) reach her mother. 

Lilly walks out of her house. Her little house on a hidden road. She opens the door to her car, pulls out her keys, and feels a gun barrel placed on her back. The young man tells her to get in the trunk. She screams, helplessly, but the lonely road seems silent. The man hits her with the butt of the gun. Lilly is unconciouce.

He just said goodbye to the little girl and her mother when the man hears the scream. He runs toward the sound in time to see Lilly being shut into the trunk. Acting on impulse, he tackles the  young man, who had put down the gun, thinking no one was around. They struggle and finally it seems the criminal has won. He reaches for his gun, but finds it gone.

Click. 

The driver cocks the gun and holds it against the young man's head. He puts his hands up and surrenders. 

Lilly hears the trunk unlock, even in her sleep, and is lifted out of the car and soon placed in an ambulence.

so much for like any other day.

We all play so many parts that we could never imagine.

If The man whose wife had a cold hadn't been late

If he watched where he was going instead of running into the taxi driver

If the man had remembered to mail his bill on time.

If his five year old hadn't slipped, so the driver didn't feel the need to hurry

If the driver hadn't ever met his grilfriend

If the girl hadn't twisted her ankle

If the man had ignored her

If the driver had stopped the first time

If the murder never occured

If there had been a 5 second difference.

Then Lilly would be dead.

Don't underestimate yourself, your influence, and your good deeds. They don't go unnonoticed, people are just too selfish and shy to say thank you. it doesn't mean they aren't grateful.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Lilly

Cheers Darling

I sometimes feel unworthy to write on this blog. I constantly think of what I want to say, how I want to say it. Then somehow it seems, that someone else thinks it first, or at least they post it first. Then, if posted, my thoughts are merely replicas of others', in different words and with different vocabulary. I don't want to be a clone of someone else's insight. But keeping what I want to scream out inside seems horribly cruel to myself.

So here I am, screaming it anyway.

A lot of the time I go into a panic, wondering if people can read my mind. After thinking something mean, judgmental, or simply embarrassing I look up from my hands- which I am usually staring at- and look at everyone around me. If someone makes eye contact, or turns their head sharply from me, as if they were afraid I would catch them staring, my heart races and I freak out for a minute, before I tell myself that people can't hear my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell myself that, I still panic.

All Parents hold their kids back. Whether they know it or not. Some do it by pushing them too hard, forcing them into something that they don't want to do. Forcing them to practice for hours and hours, when really they'd rather be painting, or maybe writing. Some don't push hard enough, and their children, unmotivated, stay in the same place their entire lives. For me, I hold myself back. But I'm done.

I am giving myself permission:

• To laugh really loud, even if I am alone
  
• To hug a little longer, even if they let go first
• To sing in front of people
• To not wear any make up
• To blog without stressing
• To like the same bands as you
• To like different bands
• To sleep in
• To give myself a break
• To say yes when I want to say yes
• To say no
• To hurt your feelings
• To keep trying
• To fail
• To collapse into your arms
• To be selfish once in a while
• To act on impulses
• To forgive you
• To cry once in a while
• To be bold
• To go swimming in the winter
• To shout my opinion
• To dance, however horribly
• To sit closer
• To not care about what you think
• To be brutally honest
• To let silence be silent
• To be silly, and maybe a little immature
• To never be ashamed
• To turn off the televison
• To go back to sleep so I can dream
• To read for hours and hours
• To highlight things
• To watch lifetime movies and eat ice cream
• To ask questions
• To stop playing games
• To grow old
  
• To go against everyone's advice, and take my own

 

Because I deserve to

That's Why

Cheers to a new me

Because I have a Pathelogical Need to Write

When I have a thought I write it down immedietly
On My ipod
Pn My Phone

Or On this here blog

I wrote this while people thought I was rudely texting while hanging out.

"Why does everyone want to stand out for fashion and style, for eccentricity and oddness? Stand for what you stand for, and don't give in because someone else is standing with you. A force is stronger with two. Sincerity is so much more important than peculiarity. if you are peculiar, be peculiarity. But be different because you are who you and and never stray.  That is rarer than any trend or quirk. So be who you are, be true to your thoughts Become what you want to be, but don't pretend to be it. Never fake it till you make it, because fake is never as real as it may seem."

Don't search for a label,

even if that label is ' unique' or 'unlabeled'

Sorry for semi-copying you ben.

But how hypocritical would i be not to post this, yeah?

oh wait
I should be doing homework

when in doubt, blog it out.

Here I am in Newspaper, wondering what to do. Dearest blog, you are always there for me when I am bored/have some profound thought. So I will now find cute pictures and quotes and fun little gadgets.

hereeee weeee goooo.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheaper than medicine…

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Hypocracy.
Probably my least favorite thing. in the entire universe.
Can I jsut ask you a question?
What gives you the right to do one thing so much that it is practically your religion and then hate me for doing it once, by accident even? Do you think you are so much better than me that even though I forgave you thousands of times, you can't find it in your heart to forgive me once?

Here's a hint. You're not me. You don't know me, really. You have no right to judge me, label me, or even hate me.

so get over yourself.

No one feels sorry for a hypocrite.

Strangers With Stories

I have a creepy fascination with strangers. I like to make up stories about who they are and why they are doing what they're doing. I also love to photograph them. Document a piece of their lives, and they will never know that they were my subject. Maybe one day they'll die, and i will have a picture of them. A memory of theirs that no one else documented.

I wonder why they're buying a frozen pie..was he going home to his wife and kids from a long day at work and thought that his wife deserved a treat, or is he a widower, going home to be completely alone. I will most likely never know, and it doesn't really matter, but i still wonder. Kind of cool, eh?

Some of my favorite nonacquaintances

All the sighs of disgrace, the impatient snaps, seem stupid and irrelavant now that I'm faced with the possibility of losing you. I think I lost you a long time ago, but it's different now, knowing that you're most likely not going to snap back into the old you. I love you, and I can't even bare the thought of you being unhappy. Of you being sick. Forever struggling to find yourself again. I literally push you from my mind, because I don't want to cry for the old friend you used to be.

I wish that I had laughed with you more, and we had bonded a little bit more. Because yes, you're still here, but it isn't the same. I miss my best friend.

I thought we were just growing apart, but it was the disease. It was taking you away from me. I let it win. I let your symptoms annoy me. I let it.  Sometimes I wish that it was just you who drew away, because then there would be hope of you coming back. But i'm so afraid that it's out or your control, and no matter how much you want to, you'll never be yourself again.

 Don't leave me, I ask you selfishly. I know you would be happier if you were away, but I wouldn't be able to funcion. I would lose my smile for a while. Please, don't let that happen.

Come Back.

Cherish EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT.

All over the place, but that is just the case.

I really really like hugs. especially from boys. especially from a specific boy.

Right now my cat is looking at me like, "Oh dearest Emily, please pet me and talk in that annoyingly high voice. Please oh please. I love you, but why aren't you petting me?" I think this unusual look he's giving me is due to the fact that last night we cuddled and fell asleep together. What does he excpect of me? Lovin every night? i think not, diesel, you see. I am blogging right now

I feel like a man jerk who won't give the girl he made out with any attention because he has better things to do...

I'm all for a somehow organized messy room. It is easier for me to find things when I know exactly where I dropped them on the floor. But right now my new room in this new house is chaotic and full of boxes. It is too small for any of my treasures*. I came up to work on it all GUN HO and motivated, but of course, I got distracted by beautiful pandora music and blogs. I'm secretly going insane. I guess it is no secret, entire internet, now is it?

I like when I'm texting slash typing and I make a mistake and it just looks like I'm talking gangsta.

Yes, I'm a fake gangster.

Whilst looking up gangster for a nice picture in google images, i noticed that the third recommended was gangster spongebob. good job, world, good job.

 Last random thought,

I PROMISE

I've been on Sherman Williams.com looking at paint samples and applying them to random houses and furniture on the visualizer. some may say it is a waste. I'm not ashamed of  this time well spent

you should try it sometime

-M

Mother Daughter

Waking up and remembering that all your clothes are packed away and all you have left is a men's sweatshirt and jeggings may sound like a nightmare to those girls who must have perfect, matching, accessories to every outfit in their crowded closet. But to me: i actually felt like myself today. Just simple and comfortable.

Today is moving day, so I should probably be last minute packing, and organizing for the movers...but i think I'll blog instead.

Parenthood. It scares me to death. Luckily, I have the best example I could ask for, and plenty of experience with my cute/devilish little siblings. Yesterday instead of getting stressed and stern with all the chaos thats going on around, my mom chose to laugh and joke, even when I kept doing my annoying "voices" that I do when i get tired and/or hyperactive. I kept shouting "ROCK ON" in this loud and nasally valley girl voice. she (said she) hated it, but couldn't stop laughing. I have a feeling she secretly loves it. When I told her my suspicions she said, 


"no, I just love you".

BME award goes to: Julie Henson.
(best.mom.ever.)

Waste of a Break

I know, I've said this before. 

But smoking is DISGUSTING. And its tragic. And it kills people. 

The media tells you its cool and calming. It's not a big deal. Beautiful people smoke all the time, it may even make you beautiful. False. 

We were driving in the freezing cold on the freeway on black Friday on our way to urban outfitters and out the window I saw a man with his window rolled down, smoking. If something has taken over your life to the point that you will lose all body warmth to fulfill a craving, you must know that your self respect has seriously dropped. It's not worth losing your life, your good smell, and your disgusted friends just to smoke and "look cool" get over yourself.

This break has sort of sucked. big time. oh well, carry on life, carry on.

Learning to fall, get back up, and fall again

I'm going to write this post without fancy words and confusing vocabulary. No clever humor. it's about to get honest up in here, so watch out. No deleting things, just what i type, how i randomly type it.

Life is freaking hard. I know, you know. But it's so annoying to me that sometimes I just can't get it. I realize that there is something that i need to do, i do it, and then i forget about it. I fall unnexpectedely, climb the mountain, and then close my eyes and jump off the edge.
I know what is important in my life, deep down. But sometimes I bury it so deep that it becomes obscure, and i lose sight of who i am. It isn't that drastic this time, but lately i just feel like my everyday life has changed focus. I don't think its necessarily a bad focus...just unfamiliarity that has become shockingly familiar. I blame summer, the BEST of my life. It really forced me to discover who I am. But i think i almost forgot what I stand for. No longer. This is my declaration: I will stand for what i know i should be standing for on this mountaintop, I will not fall again.

yet...i still doubt myself.

Maybe, if you stood with me.

Childrens Poems and Fake Blizzards

I decided to delete my last post, mainly because it made no sense, even to the creator ( yours truly)

WARNING: BLIZZARD LAST NIGHT. LIKE NOTHING UTAH HAS EVER SEEN

oh really? quite a blizzard, yes.

Luckily the power did go out, so Rachel and I could creep around at the early hours of the morning drinking chocolate prepared hot and sitting cross legged. Which was lovely. We made creepy videos and talked and laughed, like usual. Then we took turns reading Shel Silverstein poems in creepy/unusual accents.

most of them were clever and witty, but this one, read by me, took a dark and sad turn when i read the last line. we stopped laughing at it immediately.

“I met a ghost but he didn’t want my head,

He only wanted to know the way to denver.

I met the devil but he didn’t want my soul,

He only wanted to borrow my bike awhile.

I met a vampire but he didn’t want my blood,

He only wanted 2 nickels for a dime.

I keep meeting all the right people-

At all the wrong times.”

when i read it i was picturing a little child, and then, at the end, it sounds like he wants to lose his head, and his soul. He wants the vampire to drink his blood. is he suicidal, or yearning for adventure? who knew that Shel Silverstein was so...disturbing?

I'm now going to spend the rest of the day waiting for people to come out of their houses so i can photograph them.

Dear Girls, you aren't good enough. hide behind make up and fahion. Lust, The World

 

To all the girls out there. you are beautiful.

If isn't the makeup or hairstyle that makes you look good.

It's knowing who you are and having the confidence to be that person.

be you.

be beautiful.

brokenspace

Todaywefoundoutthatitisindeedpossibletobeliftedintotheairbyagroupofheliumballoons.

myspacebarisbroken.

if i WHACK it really hard then it works but it is super annoying to do so soiwilljustwritelikethus.

or

like

this

so

you

can

read.

or maybe nothing at all.

Unknown and untitled

blog. blog. blog.

blah blah blah

why do you even care what I have to say?

I'm glad that you do, don't get me wrong. 

I just wonder why...

Is it because I'm wittingly clever? Is it because you like what I have to say? It is because  you have too much time your hands? probably a combination of multiple reasons. but thanks. i like to know you read these words.

Yesterday was a good day, and I realized what fantastic friends I have. Mainly I saw what good guy friends I have. They're the kind that help me move. They're the ones I can talk on the phone to for hours. They're the ones that I could trust to hold me when I cry, if it ever came to that, though it probably won't. I have fantastic men in my life;) I won't name names, but their are a couple of you, that I look at you and how you treat people and (however creepy this may sound) i see that you hold so many of the traits that I wrote down on the list they made me write 1000 times in church titled " What i want in a husband"

wow. that indeed sounds creepy.

i love music

and lyrics

especially the lyrics

Special Shoutout:

Ben.

i am so glad that you creeped around facebook and found me. you're so...real and mature. and i'm so glad i can be myself around you. yesterday you kept asking me what i wanted to do, which most people wouldn't have done, and i dont know why, but that meant a lot. 

Isn't this post just so cheesy and adorable?!

i know.