I sometimes feel unworthy to write on this blog. I constantly think of what I want to say, how I want to say it. Then somehow it seems, that someone else thinks it first, or at least they post it first. Then, if posted, my thoughts are merely replicas of others', in different words and with different vocabulary. I don't want to be a clone of someone else's insight. But keeping what I want to scream out inside seems horribly cruel to myself.
So here I am, screaming it anyway.
A lot of the time I go into a panic, wondering if people can read my mind. After thinking something mean, judgmental, or simply embarrassing I look up from my hands- which I am usually staring at- and look at everyone around me. If someone makes eye contact, or turns their head sharply from me, as if they were afraid I would catch them staring, my heart races and I freak out for a minute, before I tell myself that people can't hear my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell myself that, I still panic.
All Parents hold their kids back. Whether they know it or not. Some do it by pushing them too hard, forcing them into something that they don't want to do. Forcing them to practice for hours and hours, when really they'd rather be painting, or maybe writing. Some don't push hard enough, and their children, unmotivated, stay in the same place their entire lives. For me, I hold myself back. But I'm done.
I am giving myself permission:
- To laugh really loud, even if I am alone
- To hug a little longer, even if they let go first
- To sing in front of people
- To not wear any make up
- To blog without stressing
- To like the same bands as you
- To like different bands
- To sleep in
- To give myself a break
- To say yes when I want to say yes
- To say no
- To hurt your feelings
- To keep trying
- To fail
- To collapse into your arms
- To be selfish once in a while
- To act on impulses
- To forgive you
- To cry once in a while
- To be bold
- To go swimming in the winter
- To shout my opinion
- To dance, however horribly
- To sit closer
- To not care about what you think
- To be brutally honest
- To let silence be silent
- To be silly, and maybe a little immature
- To never be ashamed
- To turn off the televison
- To go back to sleep so I can dream
- To read for hours and hours
- To highlight things
- To watch lifetime movies and eat ice cream
- To ask questions
- To stop playing games
- To grow old
- To go against everyone's advice, and take my own
Because I deserve to
That's Why
Cheers to a new me
I'll be the first to admit that I felt really empowered when I read this post. High-five.
ReplyDeleteI'll be the second.
ReplyDeletethird!
ReplyDeleteby the way, I really missed you in newspaper today! I almost had a meltdown trying to finish our page all alone.
it's fine.
fourth the best of all the game!
ReplyDelete