Cold Water Surrounds Me

I'm covering my wall in paper. Paper with my future written all over. Where I want to go and where I am and where I wish I was. All the places in story books that really exist now cover my wall. And instead of the maps making me happy, they just make me restless. I lay on my bed looking at adventure and wondering if I'll ever taste it or if it will always be just out of my reach...I'm afraid that I can't walk the walk.
Instead I'll be stuck in this limbo where I have to get root canals, and nitrous is the closest thing to drugs in my life. I'll be glued to my calculus book and attending math banquets. I'll feel proud about front page newspaper layouts and 98% test scores. I'll be stuck, even when all I want to do is scream, "I DON'T CARE ABOUT  PHYSICS" and silently sob because my life is so pathetic.
In the back of my mind there lives a sliver of hope for the future, but it's surrounded by the bleak and black fear that I will never get to be happy like I think I should deserve to want to be. But when light is surrounded by darkness, no matter how small the amount, it only shines brighter. And sometimes the only thing that gets me through Edgar Allan Poe videos that have nothing to do with poetry and times when girls are ignorant fools and I just want to yell at them is the small light illuminating the corner of my brain.

Lord, can you hear me now, or am I lost?