I think that secretly all we want to do is fall in love. We can all pretend to be independent and self sufficient, but I think deep, deep down we're all waiting for that one person. They don't have to be perfect or even extremely good looking. I think it would just be nice to know that we're never alone.

Ok, Utah weather. It's time you and I had a little chat. You are not allowed to tease me like this! You give me one perfect weekend and then pour endless rain onto my head? Who does that? I even got slightly tan. A tan which, without regular exposure will surely fade. And then I will be back to my wonderful, ghostly self. Not that I mind.

Dear you,

I want you back. Just the way it used to be. Nothing complicated. Just you, making me smile.

Always,

Me

I am determined to make this summer a good one, maybe even the best one so far. Though I am not entirely confident that I have the ability to do so. Last summer was so incredible. I met most of my best friends. I met a beautiful boy and fell for him quickly. A boy, whom I would've bet you $1,000,000 dollars would never kiss me. (I bet you wish you would've taken that bet). I stayed out late and talked on the phone for hours. I climbed trees and laughed away my belly fat. I think I found myself. I am still discovering Emily Henson everyday, but I won't ever feel as unsure as I used to. Because I found out that I'm actually worth something, and that maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be just as happy as the rest of you.

It's Kind of a Beautiful Thing.

And then it was Summer, and the rest is history.

Bad Decisions Make for Excellent Stories

 

If no one I knew read this blog....I'd have a lot more to say say.

This is what you've been wishing for.

None of the following would have been possible if it weren't for the nice weather. Therefore, all credit must be given to mother nature.

Friday:

Knight stocking

Boy(Jonah) stalking

Facebook Stalking

Blog Stalking

Plain old normal stalking

Saturday: 

Well it all started with Kaitlyn and I finally following through on our weekly plans of "let's do something super exciting this weekend" I don't even know where to go after that. Prolly Target(where we met addy), Hawaiin Ice, A field, Kaitlyn's house, Wal Mart, Nathan's house, Kaitlyn's house, Wal Mart, another field, Kait's again, and then Water Gardens. But those are just some possibilities.

In all honesty, nothing we did was "super exciting". Just lots of simple, wonderfully simple, things. Like borrowing tweasers and listening to music. Kind of like forgetting to wear shoes and getting stuck at a cash register for twenty minutes with a beautiful boy called Jackson. It was a day full of hypothetical phone calls that were just that, hypothetical and not actually real like Mr. Matt Davis assumed, and eating mac and cheese even though we didn't know if we liked it. Rolling down the windows felt nice.

And treats. Lots of treats.

Life looks better through sunglasses.

content.

Yesterday was easily one of the best weekends ever, and i have so much to write about it. but i must wait until tomorrow for today is mothers day, and i shouldn't even be on the computer. I plan to give my  mom a lanyard, along with her real gift. if you don't know why, read this:

 The Lanyard

By Billy Collins

The other day I was ricocheting slowly
off the blue walls of this room,
moving as if underwater from typewriter to piano,
from bookshelf to an envelope lying on the floor,
when I found myself in the L section of the dictionary
where my eyes fell upon the word lanyard.

No cookie nibbled by a French novelist
could send one into the past more suddenly—
a past where I sat at a workbench at a camp
by a deep Adirondack lake
learning how to braid long thin plastic strips
into a lanyard, a gift for my mother.

I had never seen anyone use a lanyard
or wear one, if that's what you did with them,
but that did not keep me from crossing
strand over strand again and again
until I had made a boxy
red and white lanyard for my mother.

She gave me life and milk from her breasts,
and I gave her a lanyard.
She nursed me in many a sick room,
lifted spoons of medicine to my lips,
laid cold face-cloths on my forehead,
and then led me out into the airy light

and taught me to walk and swim,
and I , in turn, presented her with a lanyard.
Here are thousands of meals, she said,and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.

Here is a breathing body and a beating heart,
strong legs, bones and teeth,
and two clear eyes to read the world, she whispered,
and here, I said, is the lanyard I made at camp.
And here, I wish to say to her now,
is a smaller gift—not the worn truth

that you can never repay your mother,
but the rueful admission that when she took
the two-tone lanyard from my hand,
I was as sure as a boy could be
that this useless, worthless thing I wove
out of boredom would be enough to make us even.

"Let's Pretend to Buy Pregnancy Tests" 

-M

Twice in One Day, Because I can

I'm about to be a little controversial, and a lot honest.

I wish you were naked.

I wish we were all naked.

And nobody cared.

And we all were innocent.

And the world could focus

On something other than endless lust.

I'm thinking of dying my hair

About this color.

Because I can.

And because I'm young and dumb.

And I have no one to tell me that I shouldn't.

They just look happy.

And free.

Thats all.

This moring I walked outside after first period,

And, for the smallest instant,

I was back.

I was home.

It was one of those days,

Where the wind blew in from the west,

And the smell of saltwater

Reached the valley.

And you could smell the beach.

It was on of those days.

All I want in life.

Is a library in my house.

Full of adventures.

And maybe someone could kiss me in it.

That would be ok I guess.

I Think I'll Blog

Hi, I'm Emily, and I'm a heroin(e) addict.

I have a serious addiction to drugs, as well as female super heroes. The latter is the condition I'm most concerned about. Thank you for your support.

I rejected your call twice. I didn't answer when you knocked the first time, so its understandable that you knocked again. I guess I could've not heard you or something. it took you a while to leave. Then you came back and knocked two more times. I should've opened the door and yelled "leave me alone". but hey, lets not be melodramatic here.

if you aren't my anonymous commenter, you can skip this next rant

DEAR ANONYMOUS COMMENTER(s),

your mysterious comments are driving me mad. please make yourself known unto me. i have a suspicion that there are actually two of you, but you're not working together. maybe you both just like stressing miss emily out. thanks. i must say, however, that i do feel slightly tickled when i see comments, so i guess your contribution to my blogging life isn't completely negative. all suspects i have have denied it or been proven innocent. I'm begging you to reveal yourself(-lves). I may consider going on a blog strike until this matter is sorted out, but let's be honest, i don't think i would survive. 

I LOVE YOU IRONICALLY

M

Let's see.

I went to prom. It was wondrous and cliche and lovely. My Prince Charming took me on a wonderful adventure. Literally. He was sophomore prince.

We had a grand ole time.

<3

M

Stupid cute couples.

you're mocking me aren't you?

 

There is a pack of fruit snacks sitting on my counter. And everytime I pass by i pop one in my mouth. For some reason, in my mind, this is better than just sitting down and gobbling the entire package. The worst part is they're not even good. They're just there. So I eat them.

30 second break

After writing that I went upstairs and threw them away. Thats better.

 

you can't beat me fruit snacks.
p.s. they were actually the cherry kind

I have a very cute little sister, here she is....

And every day, at least once, I make sure to ask her if we're best friends. If she says no, I promptly correct her.

I had a dream last night that we were all innocent, and had sleepovers with the opposite sex. Parker Jones, we had a sleep over. 

I love when people know that they're better than you at something, but they still genuinely think you're good, and worth showing off. For example, Parker made me play piano yesterday, and even though he excels so much higher than yours truly, he made me feel like I was worth listening too. That was nice.

Enough about Parker Jones.

 I would be a terrible recovering alcoholic, drug addict, or criminal. 

I have serious withdrawl problems. I have frequent bursts of yearning for things in the past. I can't control them, they come unannounced and unexplained. I need to feel the sun, I have the urge to kiss someone, I crave coffee, I miss old friends,  I want to cry(believe it or not), I want to sing really loud, I want to act on impulses, I need my own car, I wish I could transfer back to dear old AF high(sometimes), I am secretly a hermit, and I wish I could go back to a world where I didn't know the difference between indie and mainstream. You could say I'm kind of flawed. I say I'm a teenage girl. what do you expect?

I need a good book to read, so any suggestions left in comment form would be appreciatied.

Can you keep a secret?

good. so can I.

say cheese.

p.s. I really was going to tell you a secret, but then I remembered who reads this blog. not you, trusty followers, but the other discreet readers....and you know....stuff gets around....so I decided to mock you instead, have a nice day.

April 8

Everytime I close my eyes all I see is the crash. It haunts my every thought
and starts my every prayer. All possible "what ifs" keep going through my mind pointlessly. Man, is it good to be alive.

Content

Today I drove up the canyon right after it snowed, and beat myself up constantly for not bringing my camera. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt today was a failure because no good pictures were taken, until I got on facebook, and saw my dad posted these.

yeah, you

I still have strong feelings for you


They're just the exact opposite of what they used to be.

and here's a cute picture

We'll regret the things we didn't do more than the stupid things we did

So many people tell me what I am, what I could be, and what I should do. So many people tell me to fall in love, get married, and have 11 babies before the age of 23. So many people telling me I'll go on a mission. Telling me we'll get back together. Telling me he's a jerk. Telling me I should try out. Telling me what music to listen to. Telling me what what I can do, what I can't do. So many people talking, my voice is getting drowned out by the crowd.

So if you were wondering.

Here's what I want.

• I want to laugh hard every day.
• I want to travel the world
• I want to fall in love
• I want to be patient
• I want to smile 99% of the time
• I want to look back and be proud of what I've done in life
• I want to write it all down
• I want to turn my flaws into my best characteristics
• I want to forget about everyone who leaves me
• I want to see the world like a newborn does
• I want to break the rules
• I want to scream and have everyone hear me
• I want to dance and not doubt myself
• I want to perform
• I want to live my life like a novel
• I want to change people
• I want to never pretend the world is something it isn't
• I want to wake up every morning grinning
• I want to feel beautiful
• I want to know I'm worth it
• I want to let go
• I want to go crazy
• I want to be liked for myself, not in spite of myself
• I want to grow old with you
• I want to act like I'm young
• I want to play pretend
• I want to imagine the impossible
• I want to know I tried my absolute hardest.
• I want to do it my way

And that's all I need to succeed. So next time someone asks me what I want to do with my life, I'm going to tell them that I don't know what I'll be or who I'll be with, but I do know that I will always live freely. I will always smile when I feel like frowning, and I will always love with no hesitation. I'll die knowing that I was all I could be in life, and that's completely fine with me.

Insert Smile Here

I've become the pathetic woman i hate.

In other news. I realized that I think in writing and pictures. Everytime a thought or concept enters the dissheveled library that is my mind, I imagine what I would write. How would I phrase it, what word could I use, how I could make people actually understand. After going through that, I ask, "If this chain of thought was captured in a single photograph, what would it be?"Usually it ends up involving a girl in a pink dress throwing herself into the air. don't ask me why.

So blogging world, really I have written about 763 posts and taken 812 pictures....
In My Mind

This week has been, to use a most wonderful cliché, an emotional roller coaster.
I have to go to attendance school everyday.
Sparkling water exploded all over me.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
I missed a Chemistry test.
I have the worst grades in Emily Henson history.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
I'm going to Spring Fling with a random, unknown senior.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
My car ran out of gas today.
I feel a pimple coming on.
I have over 15 missing assignments
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
The term ends next week.
I start crying at random times.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
My new car lacks power steering.
I get a work out everytime I drive it.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
I feel like the world is all against me.
I miss  California
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.
I miss Catalina island.
I miss AF.
I'm in love with the boy that I hate.

 all this turmoil leads me to believe one thing. it's tragic, and most people avoid discussing it at all costs. but i'm going to be honest, the world can know. i'm not ashamed.
it is definitely going to be my time of the month any day now.

Untitled, By Anonymous

Untitled
By Anonymous

That only sucked
Because everyone walked around me
Like I was a glass ballerina
Standing on one toe,
Slowly losing her balance.
And if they so much as shifted
The air pattern would falter
And I would shatter.
In reality, however,
All I wanted was someone
To push me over.
And tell me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
So I could get back up.
All I wanted was someone to care,
But somehow,
No one seemed to.

I think humanity has a problem
They think that when someone loses something
They want to be left alone.
They only want privacy.
They’re fine by themselves.

But that isn’t true.
Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe humanity’s problem
Is what we need so desperately.
We need someone by our side.
We need the world to know our pain.
We’re never really fine by ourselves.



An excerpt from my new in-the-works book called Untitled, By Anonymous. It's written in poetry, and I'm pretty excited about it to say the leaset. 

A story doesn't start with the end. And the protagonist never gets the to the ending, happy or sad, without going through the entire novel first.

But, life is not a book, and certainly not one that starts with the end.

We cannot control those around us. We can't control what the future will bring. We only have control over now.

Will you smile or frown?

Will you dance or sit in the chairs on the side?

Will you eat the pie or eat the celery stick?

Will you laugh loud or snicker quietly?

Will you kiss him, or always wish you had?

Will you give the homeless man a dollar or walk by?

Will you read a good book or watch reality tv?

Will you scream or keep it inside?

Will you act on your impulses or constantly plan?

Will you explore or stay inside?

And when that opportunity comes, will you take it, or question yourself?

There is no man with a typewriter, deciding what you say next or choosing who comes into your life. You are writing your own story, with every word you speak and ever chance you take. Life doesn't come with a story board, so take your freedom and make something out of it.

Never say "I can't", because, darling, success isn't what the world tells us it is. It's writing your own definiton.

Success- noun.1. smiling even when you're sad. 2. having someone you can count on. 3. knowing that who you are is an ever-changing thing, and that every day you are becoming yourself.

limits mean nothing.

If i ever end up even close to the women on the bachelor please shoot me. thanks.

Last night after hours math homework ( which wasn't a waste of time or anything since I know for a FACT that every day when i grow up, people will be asking me what the cosine of a right triangle looks like on a graph and if i don't know...well that will just be plain embarrassing...) I sat down on the couch and casually flipped through the channels. I ended up watching the bachelor. and laughing. really hard.

mostly because how pathetically sad those women are.

they are all convinced that they love this "bachelor" and that they belong with him. Not like he's dating 10 other women or anything....and kissing them....and by the end sleeping with at least 3....yet they look at the camera and talk like all they want is this man, and to love him forever, meanwhile he's with another girl in a bikini on the beaches of Costa Rica.

when i find love, or love finds me, I'm going to know it's real.

an i promise never to live the lie, and tell myself that he loves me, when i know he doesn't. especially if he's sleeping with two other women, you know.

i'm still torn

between wanting to grow old with you

and wanting to stay young,

but it isn't really my choice.

so will you love me forever?

and will we sip tea on the porch 

and talk about the good old days?

call me darling and hold my hand. 

smile at me and tell me i'm beautiful. 

laugh your old man laugh

i'll smile my wrinkly smile.

who cares if we were influential in the world? 

who cares how much money we made?

as long as you're next to me, love,

i know we will succeed.

eff arr eye enn dee eeee essss

FRIENDS

why do i deserve such fantastic ones?

It's kind of emotionally draining

In that moment, you realized he was a human. Humanity isn’t about morals and rules, it’s about the feeling you get when you look at another person, I mean, really look at them. And you realize that all the emotions and thoughts that run around your mind are running around theirs.

Maybe one day I'll be completely free

Sometimes I wish I had stranger with a boom box follow me around, and when I gave him the cue, he played my soundtrack. He'd play whatever song best fit the mood and events surrounding me. And then, at the end of my life, I could remember moments with songs, moments of silence, and moments where I wish a different song had been played.

but finding someone for this full time job who isn't a creep seems too difficult to even attempt.

Lately I've found something out about myself. When I imagine conversations that have happened, I wish had happened, may happen, or I hope will happen I mouth the words that i imagine will be/were said. not only that, but I plaster the expression I imagine others having on my face.

I wonder if anyone watches the girl who talks to herself, odd facial expressions and all.

Today I didn't go to fourth period.

Instead, Ezra and I walked to the pond.

We stood on the frozen lake, and we walked through the paths. Talking and laughing. We stopped and I looked around, my breath was suddenly stolen from me. The pond was white and barely visible through the thickage, the dead trees surrounding us. Most snow had melted, leaving a few dirty patches on the muddy ground. I looked at Ezra and said, "It's Shockingly Beautiful"

And he said,

"I know, it's so ugly"

and that seemed like the perfect thing to say.

I wouldn't have been surprised if I found a camera crew following us, because today, my life felt like a movie.

ready, set, breathe

To infinity, and Maybe even Beyond

I walked around wal mart, but it could've turned into Wonderland I would have hardly noticed, that is if i realized the change at all.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower held slightly infront of my face. I held it at an angle so that i could just barely see my dad's legs and know where to walk and not run into strangers. I could have passed you yesterday, and maybe you thought, "who is that weird girl with her nose in a book?" I wouldn't know, because i made no effort to make eye contact or acknowledge the presence of anyone other than fictional characters. Were you at Wal Mart last night?
All I cared were the words. That's all. Especially these ones, 
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
Now all I want is to feel infinite. To feel forever, never ending.I don't know how I am going to accomplish this feeling, but I will.


I went home and played the piano. I let my fingers speak to the keys, and let a song form. I only stopped playing to eat and think a little, and of course to get my fill of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.


I believe I barely spoke 10 sentences that day.


I was just readying, thinking, and playing. 


And I don't regret one minute.

Ready, Set, Strive for Infinity.

We have a map of the piano, but not life

Things I wish that I knew

• Where life will take me
• Who life will take me to
• When will life take me there
• What life will make of me

But I guess if I knew that, then life would no longer be an adventure. It would be a mapped out schedule. A forever long to do list. And where is the fun in that?
Nonexistent, that's where.

So lets live with no regrets, let's make mistakes, and lets stand for what we stand for, always and forever.

Give up on trying to plan every second, because most likely it will all blow up in your face, and then you won't know how to cope with an unmapped world. If you don't educate yoursefl on the art of chance, one day you'll be forced to make a desicion based on instinct, and ou will freeze, because it is so foreign


Ready, Set, Be spontaneous in everything you do.

Sometimes I think

Everyone has a reason for the dark circles under their eyes. A story behind every tear they may cry.

 Somebody hold me while I mourn for my lost childhood, i'm torn between wanting to grow old  with you and wanting to stay young. You're the reason that I breathe, if you promise to stay with me, I promise I won't leave those tears in your eyes, I'll be your shoulder as you cry. One day you'll leave me all alone, when my childhood is gone. I'll wait for you to come back, though I know you'll never come. But maybe we'll stay together, Maybe our love will be forever. We can stand the tests of time, hand in hand we'll slowly climb. Because who will read the stories of your dark circles, who will know the reason behind your tears. I will, if we but last the years. Darling for now we'll wish away the fear.

 ready, set, fall in love

Hey, I Just Passed My Floral Design State Test

Ready, Set, Make a Snow Angel

I'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsers...oh wait.....

Really though, I'd like to take a moment to talk about the things that keep me going in life, mainly; music, friends, newspapers, family, and possibilities.

1. Music. 

Where to even begin? Maybe with the fact that Nathan had my ipod for a single day and all of a sudden my life seemed stressful and incomplete. I play music when I'm in the shower and when i get dressed. I sing along to the radio everytime i'm in the car. And I get frustrated when people refuse to listen to music because it is "mainstream". i mean I get it, most of the music on the radio is crap, but that doesn't mean it isn't fun to dance and sing too. I wonder if indie music were mainstream, and Kesha and BoB were indie, which one people would listen to?

Is it really about the song, or the label its given?

2. Friends

I know I talk about them enough. But it's my second family, I love them dearly. There is always an empty feeling inside when one doesn't have close friends. Even the popular girl can feel completely and utterly alone. 

3. Newspapers

Today I explained to Carpenter and the editors how I think the school newspaper should be handled. I will be appointed editor in cheif, and the entire school will be forced to read the holy newspaper. Jk, but really, I think sjome changes will be made in the near future, and I am super excited to say the least.

I love the look of a Newspaper, the black and white, the miles of text, the stories behind each one. And to be part of making one, if it is decent, is incredible.

4. Family

My family is, in a nutshell, the light of my entire existence. Bella with her wrinkly eyed smile and mischievous laugh. I never knew someone so small could have a sense of humor. Ethan with his random movie quotes and intelligent comments. My mom with her excited squeaks and general oddness. Actually, the general oddness thing applies to the entire family, fortunately.

5. Possibilities

The fact that anything is possible, and yes i do believe that, gives me hope when all hope is stolen away from me. Change brings with it a sense of chance, because if you don't like the way something is, you can change it. If you don't think you can, change your attitude. It is possible.

Ready, Set, Blog.

Un Regreting

I don't like regrets, so I'm choosing not to  have any.

It's not that I am now going to think that everything I do is perfect, and I know I don't always make the right choice. But its time to get over it. Apologize if needed and don't dwell on it. It's not worth my thoughts.

No more I should have.

No more I shouldn't have.

Just I did.

I am glad that I stage dived onto two love sacks, even if it only gave me a bloody nose.

 See, normally I would probably regret it, but hey, it's a story to tell, right? (and it makes me sound like a weirdo, but that is beside the point)

also, i refuse to feel blank.

blank and useless is a horrible feeling.

so i write, then the paper is filled, and no longer blank.

I thought that what I was waiting for was never going to happen, like waiting for an American to be born with and English accent. But it happened.  After all those people told me to give up, to let go, it happened. And I couldn't be happier. For this and for so much more, I would like to thank Ms. Reese, my 9th grade English teacher.

She assigned us a last minute Romeo and Juliet project. We had to work in groups, and I was left without a group, feeling awkward and like everyone in the entire world was staring at me. Instead of asking my friends I had in that class if I could join them, I felt an impulse to ask Brooklyn, Tesa, and Kelly if I could join their group. I got up the courage and acted on it. We made a music video, and ended up asking Parker, Dane, Gabe, and Zack(a stranger at the time) to be in our movie with us. They all became some of my closest friends, and through them I met some of the most important people in my life. One of those people is my best friend, one is my boy toy ;). Because of these people I moved to Alpine and transferred to Lone Peak.

I finally feel like I'm where I belong.

Thank you Ms. Reese.

one more thing,

1. I need to tell you something, look at 11

2. It's really important that you know, so look to 8

3. I'm just going to say it. Look at 13

4. Last one I promise, look to 9.

5. It's coming, I promise, go to 14

6. I'm just nervous, I'll tell you, at 3

7. I'm working up the courage, look to 10

8. I know, I know. You're getting angry. look at 12, you're almost there.

9. I just want to tell you that I love you

10. Alright, here it comes, at 15

11. I'm going to tell you, go to 6

12. Just look at 4.

13. I know, you're probably getting bugged, go to 7

14.You're almost there, now look at 2

15. Be patient, look at 5

As a Jello lid once told me,

Ready Set Jiggle.