It's kind of emotionally draining

In that moment, you realized he was a human. Humanity isn’t about morals and rules, it’s about the feeling you get when you look at another person, I mean, really look at them. And you realize that all the emotions and thoughts that run around your mind are running around theirs.

Maybe one day I'll be completely free

Sometimes I wish I had stranger with a boom box follow me around, and when I gave him the cue, he played my soundtrack. He'd play whatever song best fit the mood and events surrounding me. And then, at the end of my life, I could remember moments with songs, moments of silence, and moments where I wish a different song had been played.

but finding someone for this full time job who isn't a creep seems too difficult to even attempt.

Lately I've found something out about myself. When I imagine conversations that have happened, I wish had happened, may happen, or I hope will happen I mouth the words that i imagine will be/were said. not only that, but I plaster the expression I imagine others having on my face.

I wonder if anyone watches the girl who talks to herself, odd facial expressions and all.

Today I didn't go to fourth period.

Instead, Ezra and I walked to the pond.

We stood on the frozen lake, and we walked through the paths. Talking and laughing. We stopped and I looked around, my breath was suddenly stolen from me. The pond was white and barely visible through the thickage, the dead trees surrounding us. Most snow had melted, leaving a few dirty patches on the muddy ground. I looked at Ezra and said, "It's Shockingly Beautiful"

And he said,

"I know, it's so ugly"

and that seemed like the perfect thing to say.

I wouldn't have been surprised if I found a camera crew following us, because today, my life felt like a movie.

ready, set, breathe

To infinity, and Maybe even Beyond

I walked around wal mart, but it could've turned into Wonderland I would have hardly noticed, that is if i realized the change at all.  The Perks of Being a Wallflower held slightly infront of my face. I held it at an angle so that i could just barely see my dad's legs and know where to walk and not run into strangers. I could have passed you yesterday, and maybe you thought, "who is that weird girl with her nose in a book?" I wouldn't know, because i made no effort to make eye contact or acknowledge the presence of anyone other than fictional characters. Were you at Wal Mart last night?
All I cared were the words. That's all. Especially these ones, 
"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite."
Now all I want is to feel infinite. To feel forever, never ending.I don't know how I am going to accomplish this feeling, but I will.


I went home and played the piano. I let my fingers speak to the keys, and let a song form. I only stopped playing to eat and think a little, and of course to get my fill of The Perks of Being a Wallflower.


I believe I barely spoke 10 sentences that day.


I was just readying, thinking, and playing. 


And I don't regret one minute.

Ready, Set, Strive for Infinity.

We have a map of the piano, but not life

Things I wish that I knew

• Where life will take me
• Who life will take me to
• When will life take me there
• What life will make of me

But I guess if I knew that, then life would no longer be an adventure. It would be a mapped out schedule. A forever long to do list. And where is the fun in that?
Nonexistent, that's where.

So lets live with no regrets, let's make mistakes, and lets stand for what we stand for, always and forever.

Give up on trying to plan every second, because most likely it will all blow up in your face, and then you won't know how to cope with an unmapped world. If you don't educate yoursefl on the art of chance, one day you'll be forced to make a desicion based on instinct, and ou will freeze, because it is so foreign


Ready, Set, Be spontaneous in everything you do.

Sometimes I think

Everyone has a reason for the dark circles under their eyes. A story behind every tear they may cry.

 Somebody hold me while I mourn for my lost childhood, i'm torn between wanting to grow old  with you and wanting to stay young. You're the reason that I breathe, if you promise to stay with me, I promise I won't leave those tears in your eyes, I'll be your shoulder as you cry. One day you'll leave me all alone, when my childhood is gone. I'll wait for you to come back, though I know you'll never come. But maybe we'll stay together, Maybe our love will be forever. We can stand the tests of time, hand in hand we'll slowly climb. Because who will read the stories of your dark circles, who will know the reason behind your tears. I will, if we but last the years. Darling for now we'll wish away the fear.

 ready, set, fall in love

Hey, I Just Passed My Floral Design State Test

Ready, Set, Make a Snow Angel

I'd like to take a moment to thank our sponsers...oh wait.....

Really though, I'd like to take a moment to talk about the things that keep me going in life, mainly; music, friends, newspapers, family, and possibilities.

1. Music. 

Where to even begin? Maybe with the fact that Nathan had my ipod for a single day and all of a sudden my life seemed stressful and incomplete. I play music when I'm in the shower and when i get dressed. I sing along to the radio everytime i'm in the car. And I get frustrated when people refuse to listen to music because it is "mainstream". i mean I get it, most of the music on the radio is crap, but that doesn't mean it isn't fun to dance and sing too. I wonder if indie music were mainstream, and Kesha and BoB were indie, which one people would listen to?

Is it really about the song, or the label its given?

2. Friends

I know I talk about them enough. But it's my second family, I love them dearly. There is always an empty feeling inside when one doesn't have close friends. Even the popular girl can feel completely and utterly alone. 

3. Newspapers

Today I explained to Carpenter and the editors how I think the school newspaper should be handled. I will be appointed editor in cheif, and the entire school will be forced to read the holy newspaper. Jk, but really, I think sjome changes will be made in the near future, and I am super excited to say the least.

I love the look of a Newspaper, the black and white, the miles of text, the stories behind each one. And to be part of making one, if it is decent, is incredible.

4. Family

My family is, in a nutshell, the light of my entire existence. Bella with her wrinkly eyed smile and mischievous laugh. I never knew someone so small could have a sense of humor. Ethan with his random movie quotes and intelligent comments. My mom with her excited squeaks and general oddness. Actually, the general oddness thing applies to the entire family, fortunately.

5. Possibilities

The fact that anything is possible, and yes i do believe that, gives me hope when all hope is stolen away from me. Change brings with it a sense of chance, because if you don't like the way something is, you can change it. If you don't think you can, change your attitude. It is possible.

Ready, Set, Blog.

Un Regreting

I don't like regrets, so I'm choosing not to  have any.

It's not that I am now going to think that everything I do is perfect, and I know I don't always make the right choice. But its time to get over it. Apologize if needed and don't dwell on it. It's not worth my thoughts.

No more I should have.

No more I shouldn't have.

Just I did.

I am glad that I stage dived onto two love sacks, even if it only gave me a bloody nose.

 See, normally I would probably regret it, but hey, it's a story to tell, right? (and it makes me sound like a weirdo, but that is beside the point)

also, i refuse to feel blank.

blank and useless is a horrible feeling.

so i write, then the paper is filled, and no longer blank.

I thought that what I was waiting for was never going to happen, like waiting for an American to be born with and English accent. But it happened.  After all those people told me to give up, to let go, it happened. And I couldn't be happier. For this and for so much more, I would like to thank Ms. Reese, my 9th grade English teacher.

She assigned us a last minute Romeo and Juliet project. We had to work in groups, and I was left without a group, feeling awkward and like everyone in the entire world was staring at me. Instead of asking my friends I had in that class if I could join them, I felt an impulse to ask Brooklyn, Tesa, and Kelly if I could join their group. I got up the courage and acted on it. We made a music video, and ended up asking Parker, Dane, Gabe, and Zack(a stranger at the time) to be in our movie with us. They all became some of my closest friends, and through them I met some of the most important people in my life. One of those people is my best friend, one is my boy toy ;). Because of these people I moved to Alpine and transferred to Lone Peak.

I finally feel like I'm where I belong.

Thank you Ms. Reese.

one more thing,

1. I need to tell you something, look at 11

2. It's really important that you know, so look to 8

3. I'm just going to say it. Look at 13

4. Last one I promise, look to 9.

5. It's coming, I promise, go to 14

6. I'm just nervous, I'll tell you, at 3

7. I'm working up the courage, look to 10

8. I know, I know. You're getting angry. look at 12, you're almost there.

9. I just want to tell you that I love you

10. Alright, here it comes, at 15

11. I'm going to tell you, go to 6

12. Just look at 4.

13. I know, you're probably getting bugged, go to 7

14.You're almost there, now look at 2

15. Be patient, look at 5

As a Jello lid once told me,

Ready Set Jiggle.

Ya'at'eeh keshmish

I'm taking this opportunity to post because our computer is broken, so any internet access draws me in like a magnet.

I'm now sixteen and have my liscense. I love this FREEDOM. that's all i have to say about that..

It's Christmas tomorrow.

This has been one of worst Christmas's of my life, but somehow it's been the best by far. I spent the 19-21 on the Navajo reservation in Arizona, serving the people there. I can't even begin to tell you how much it changed me. All I want to do since returning has been, serve, sing, and dance. The people down there are so humble, and so so grateful. 

People in our country, one state away, are living in severe poverty. Huts (hogans) with dirt floors, some without coats and gloves. The look their faces and the tears that filled their eyes as we gave them simple things changes you in the blink of an eye. 

For three days I didn't care what my hair looked like, I didn't feel self conscious because I had no make up on. i just wanted to make a difference in the lives of the people who made all the difference in mine.

What would He do? How would the one who we celebrate always, have you do during this Christmas season?

I find myslef annoyed with laziness and selfishness. AFter seeing so much need, and seeing the rewards of 3 days of hard work, how can I jsut sit donw and aimlessly watch TV? I can't.

If you had only 1 day to live, how would you live it? Who would you live it with? What would you do?

Would you tell them you love them,

Would you kiss her/him

Would you smile

Would you cry

Would you serve

Would you surround yourslef with those you love

Would you watch TV?

What if you had an entire lifetime?

Shouldn't you live the same way, and just be grateful it can last longer?

So go serve someone today, smile with Christmas cheer, and wish them a Ya'at'eeh Keshmish. Kiss her, tell him you love him, and be bold. This is our chance.

Oh Holy night

it's all one story.

This Is Lilly

Lilly walks out of her house, like any other day, but she has no idea.

A taxi driver is getting coffee in Starbucks when a man who was late for a meeting, because his wife had been in a bad mood due to a cold she had gotten from her sister, ran into his shoulder, and his coffee went all over the floor. After ordering a new coffee and waiting for it he gets in his cab and picks up a man coming out of the post office because he forgot to mail an important bill that needed to be there the next day or else a $75 fee would apply.The man tells the taxi driver to take him home, and asks him to hurry because his five year old slipped on the ice and broke his leg.

They drive down the busy street and the driver turns down a small road. The road his ex girlfriend showed him as a shortcut to get downtown. The man looks out the window to see a small girl, sitting alone on the curb. He asks the driver to stop. The driver, listening to the news on the radio especially loud because of an intriguing murder that happened the night before, doesn't hear him. The man asks him again, tapping his shoulder this time. The driver stops and the man gets out to help the little girl, (who it turns out fell and twisted her ankle) reach her mother. 

Lilly walks out of her house. Her little house on a hidden road. She opens the door to her car, pulls out her keys, and feels a gun barrel placed on her back. The young man tells her to get in the trunk. She screams, helplessly, but the lonely road seems silent. The man hits her with the butt of the gun. Lilly is unconciouce.

He just said goodbye to the little girl and her mother when the man hears the scream. He runs toward the sound in time to see Lilly being shut into the trunk. Acting on impulse, he tackles the  young man, who had put down the gun, thinking no one was around. They struggle and finally it seems the criminal has won. He reaches for his gun, but finds it gone.

Click. 

The driver cocks the gun and holds it against the young man's head. He puts his hands up and surrenders. 

Lilly hears the trunk unlock, even in her sleep, and is lifted out of the car and soon placed in an ambulence.

so much for like any other day.

We all play so many parts that we could never imagine.

If The man whose wife had a cold hadn't been late

If he watched where he was going instead of running into the taxi driver

If the man had remembered to mail his bill on time.

If his five year old hadn't slipped, so the driver didn't feel the need to hurry

If the driver hadn't ever met his grilfriend

If the girl hadn't twisted her ankle

If the man had ignored her

If the driver had stopped the first time

If the murder never occured

If there had been a 5 second difference.

Then Lilly would be dead.

Don't underestimate yourself, your influence, and your good deeds. They don't go unnonoticed, people are just too selfish and shy to say thank you. it doesn't mean they aren't grateful.

Merry Christmas.

Love,

Lilly

Cheers Darling

I sometimes feel unworthy to write on this blog. I constantly think of what I want to say, how I want to say it. Then somehow it seems, that someone else thinks it first, or at least they post it first. Then, if posted, my thoughts are merely replicas of others', in different words and with different vocabulary. I don't want to be a clone of someone else's insight. But keeping what I want to scream out inside seems horribly cruel to myself.

So here I am, screaming it anyway.

A lot of the time I go into a panic, wondering if people can read my mind. After thinking something mean, judgmental, or simply embarrassing I look up from my hands- which I am usually staring at- and look at everyone around me. If someone makes eye contact, or turns their head sharply from me, as if they were afraid I would catch them staring, my heart races and I freak out for a minute, before I tell myself that people can't hear my thoughts. No matter how many times I tell myself that, I still panic.

All Parents hold their kids back. Whether they know it or not. Some do it by pushing them too hard, forcing them into something that they don't want to do. Forcing them to practice for hours and hours, when really they'd rather be painting, or maybe writing. Some don't push hard enough, and their children, unmotivated, stay in the same place their entire lives. For me, I hold myself back. But I'm done.

I am giving myself permission:

• To laugh really loud, even if I am alone
  
• To hug a little longer, even if they let go first
• To sing in front of people
• To not wear any make up
• To blog without stressing
• To like the same bands as you
• To like different bands
• To sleep in
• To give myself a break
• To say yes when I want to say yes
• To say no
• To hurt your feelings
• To keep trying
• To fail
• To collapse into your arms
• To be selfish once in a while
• To act on impulses
• To forgive you
• To cry once in a while
• To be bold
• To go swimming in the winter
• To shout my opinion
• To dance, however horribly
• To sit closer
• To not care about what you think
• To be brutally honest
• To let silence be silent
• To be silly, and maybe a little immature
• To never be ashamed
• To turn off the televison
• To go back to sleep so I can dream
• To read for hours and hours
• To highlight things
• To watch lifetime movies and eat ice cream
• To ask questions
• To stop playing games
• To grow old
  
• To go against everyone's advice, and take my own

 

Because I deserve to

That's Why

Cheers to a new me

Because I have a Pathelogical Need to Write

When I have a thought I write it down immedietly
On My ipod
Pn My Phone

Or On this here blog

I wrote this while people thought I was rudely texting while hanging out.

"Why does everyone want to stand out for fashion and style, for eccentricity and oddness? Stand for what you stand for, and don't give in because someone else is standing with you. A force is stronger with two. Sincerity is so much more important than peculiarity. if you are peculiar, be peculiarity. But be different because you are who you and and never stray.  That is rarer than any trend or quirk. So be who you are, be true to your thoughts Become what you want to be, but don't pretend to be it. Never fake it till you make it, because fake is never as real as it may seem."

Don't search for a label,

even if that label is ' unique' or 'unlabeled'

Sorry for semi-copying you ben.

But how hypocritical would i be not to post this, yeah?

oh wait
I should be doing homework

when in doubt, blog it out.

Here I am in Newspaper, wondering what to do. Dearest blog, you are always there for me when I am bored/have some profound thought. So I will now find cute pictures and quotes and fun little gadgets.

hereeee weeee goooo.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?

Always laugh when you can. It is cheaper than medicine…

Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness.

Hypocracy.
Probably my least favorite thing. in the entire universe.
Can I jsut ask you a question?
What gives you the right to do one thing so much that it is practically your religion and then hate me for doing it once, by accident even? Do you think you are so much better than me that even though I forgave you thousands of times, you can't find it in your heart to forgive me once?

Here's a hint. You're not me. You don't know me, really. You have no right to judge me, label me, or even hate me.

so get over yourself.

No one feels sorry for a hypocrite.

Strangers With Stories

I have a creepy fascination with strangers. I like to make up stories about who they are and why they are doing what they're doing. I also love to photograph them. Document a piece of their lives, and they will never know that they were my subject. Maybe one day they'll die, and i will have a picture of them. A memory of theirs that no one else documented.

I wonder why they're buying a frozen pie..was he going home to his wife and kids from a long day at work and thought that his wife deserved a treat, or is he a widower, going home to be completely alone. I will most likely never know, and it doesn't really matter, but i still wonder. Kind of cool, eh?

Some of my favorite nonacquaintances

All the sighs of disgrace, the impatient snaps, seem stupid and irrelavant now that I'm faced with the possibility of losing you. I think I lost you a long time ago, but it's different now, knowing that you're most likely not going to snap back into the old you. I love you, and I can't even bare the thought of you being unhappy. Of you being sick. Forever struggling to find yourself again. I literally push you from my mind, because I don't want to cry for the old friend you used to be.

I wish that I had laughed with you more, and we had bonded a little bit more. Because yes, you're still here, but it isn't the same. I miss my best friend.

I thought we were just growing apart, but it was the disease. It was taking you away from me. I let it win. I let your symptoms annoy me. I let it.  Sometimes I wish that it was just you who drew away, because then there would be hope of you coming back. But i'm so afraid that it's out or your control, and no matter how much you want to, you'll never be yourself again.

 Don't leave me, I ask you selfishly. I know you would be happier if you were away, but I wouldn't be able to funcion. I would lose my smile for a while. Please, don't let that happen.

Come Back.

Cherish EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT.

All over the place, but that is just the case.

I really really like hugs. especially from boys. especially from a specific boy.

Right now my cat is looking at me like, "Oh dearest Emily, please pet me and talk in that annoyingly high voice. Please oh please. I love you, but why aren't you petting me?" I think this unusual look he's giving me is due to the fact that last night we cuddled and fell asleep together. What does he excpect of me? Lovin every night? i think not, diesel, you see. I am blogging right now

I feel like a man jerk who won't give the girl he made out with any attention because he has better things to do...

I'm all for a somehow organized messy room. It is easier for me to find things when I know exactly where I dropped them on the floor. But right now my new room in this new house is chaotic and full of boxes. It is too small for any of my treasures*. I came up to work on it all GUN HO and motivated, but of course, I got distracted by beautiful pandora music and blogs. I'm secretly going insane. I guess it is no secret, entire internet, now is it?

I like when I'm texting slash typing and I make a mistake and it just looks like I'm talking gangsta.

Yes, I'm a fake gangster.

Whilst looking up gangster for a nice picture in google images, i noticed that the third recommended was gangster spongebob. good job, world, good job.

 Last random thought,

I PROMISE

I've been on Sherman Williams.com looking at paint samples and applying them to random houses and furniture on the visualizer. some may say it is a waste. I'm not ashamed of  this time well spent

you should try it sometime

-M

Mother Daughter

Waking up and remembering that all your clothes are packed away and all you have left is a men's sweatshirt and jeggings may sound like a nightmare to those girls who must have perfect, matching, accessories to every outfit in their crowded closet. But to me: i actually felt like myself today. Just simple and comfortable.

Today is moving day, so I should probably be last minute packing, and organizing for the movers...but i think I'll blog instead.

Parenthood. It scares me to death. Luckily, I have the best example I could ask for, and plenty of experience with my cute/devilish little siblings. Yesterday instead of getting stressed and stern with all the chaos thats going on around, my mom chose to laugh and joke, even when I kept doing my annoying "voices" that I do when i get tired and/or hyperactive. I kept shouting "ROCK ON" in this loud and nasally valley girl voice. she (said she) hated it, but couldn't stop laughing. I have a feeling she secretly loves it. When I told her my suspicions she said, 


"no, I just love you".

BME award goes to: Julie Henson.
(best.mom.ever.)

Waste of a Break

I know, I've said this before. 

But smoking is DISGUSTING. And its tragic. And it kills people. 

The media tells you its cool and calming. It's not a big deal. Beautiful people smoke all the time, it may even make you beautiful. False. 

We were driving in the freezing cold on the freeway on black Friday on our way to urban outfitters and out the window I saw a man with his window rolled down, smoking. If something has taken over your life to the point that you will lose all body warmth to fulfill a craving, you must know that your self respect has seriously dropped. It's not worth losing your life, your good smell, and your disgusted friends just to smoke and "look cool" get over yourself.

This break has sort of sucked. big time. oh well, carry on life, carry on.

Learning to fall, get back up, and fall again

I'm going to write this post without fancy words and confusing vocabulary. No clever humor. it's about to get honest up in here, so watch out. No deleting things, just what i type, how i randomly type it.

Life is freaking hard. I know, you know. But it's so annoying to me that sometimes I just can't get it. I realize that there is something that i need to do, i do it, and then i forget about it. I fall unnexpectedely, climb the mountain, and then close my eyes and jump off the edge.
I know what is important in my life, deep down. But sometimes I bury it so deep that it becomes obscure, and i lose sight of who i am. It isn't that drastic this time, but lately i just feel like my everyday life has changed focus. I don't think its necessarily a bad focus...just unfamiliarity that has become shockingly familiar. I blame summer, the BEST of my life. It really forced me to discover who I am. But i think i almost forgot what I stand for. No longer. This is my declaration: I will stand for what i know i should be standing for on this mountaintop, I will not fall again.

yet...i still doubt myself.

Maybe, if you stood with me.